No! I don't wanna! I don't wanna! (Imagine me in a fetal position rocking back and forth) I don't wanna! I don't wanna! These movies sucked so much! Why do I have to remember them? Please! Make it end! Ok. There's only one way through this. I'm just gonna take a deep breath and own it. So. Ready? These are my worst movies of 2014!
Gonna throw in a few quick mentions here of films that almost made the list. The first is....
The Other Woman
No, guys. Kate Upton can't act. Stop trying to make Kate Upton happen. It's not going to happen. Also dear Nikolaj Coster-Waldau: no. Stick to Game of Thrones. No.
Why do you still do this Cage? Why do you still take whatever money is thrown at you? The first of several Christian films on this list, Left Behind is a sheer and complete mess of a movie. It really should be higher on the list, but I love my Nicholas Cage too much to do so.
The Legend of Hercules
CRAPPY ACTION! LOUD SAM WORTHINGTON-ESQUE YELLING AS WE DO DRAMATIC STUFF. OBJECTIFYING WOMEN LEFT AND RIGHT. Quintessential guy movie, right? Wait, what are characters? Character development? Those two words don't even make any sense to me! Cohesive, logical action? Well, why do that when Michael Bay makes as much money as he does with his movies! Sigh....
And now onto the bottom 10. I'm already depressed, particularly by this next one.
10) The Amazing Spider-Man 2
THANK GOD SONY FINALLY GAVE SPIDER-MAN BACK TO MARVEL. This is a result of all of you, guys. Be proud of yourself for making this steaming pile of crap the biggest commercial failure of the franchise and thus convincing Sony to give the character back to Marvel. You know what? Just stop everything. Give yourself a pat on the back. From me. And for those that still haven't seen this movie, do it again! Because this movie sucks. It's such a shame too because I love just about every actor in this film. I've been on the Andrew Garfield train ever since The Social Network. I've been on the Emma Stone train since Zombieland. I've been on the Dane DeHaan train since Chronicle. But the movie is executed sooooo poorly! And the writing sucks! Why do we need a back story on Jamie Foxx when he's just going to become the most standard comic book villain imaginable? WHO CARES? And there's no tension in the final fight. Why? Because there is not a single real thing on screen when they are fighting in that power plant that clearly wouldn't exist ANYWHERE. It's 100% CGI-Michael Bay action. Why? Why you do this? Thank God we don't have to sit through another...
9) The Gambler
Hi Mark Wahlberg. How are you? Ya. You look at that floor in shame. You know what you did. For those of you following me regularly (thanks again, by the way) you may have noticed I gave our friend Wahlberg over there my award for the actor with the worst 2014. Both his films are on this list. And they are both on the list in part because he's in it. This film asks Wahlberg to be the most charismatic and charming English teacher in existence who goes on "epic" monologues to prove points to students. Except, here's the problem: that person doesn't exist. Anywhere. This film is one monologue after another. And the only ones you even remotely care about are the ones out of John Goodman's mouth. That's it. And he's only in a few scenes. Oh! And you know that really talented actress Brie Larson? You know, from awesome films such as 21 Jump Street, The Spectacular Now, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World? Ya, you should make sure she has a lot to do, right? Naaaaaaah. Let's have a play a role that anyone on the face of the planet could play. And give her 3 scenes to create an effective love story with Mark Wahlberg. Ya. Nailed it. Moving on now.
8) God's Not Dead
Hey! Another Christian film! Look. I get this film appeals to a specific audience. But why do you have to do it so poorly? This film ignores a few very basic rules of filmmaking, like randomly changing cameras at various points in the film. You don't usually notice something like that, but when its this obvious you sure do. All the sudden the quality of film lowers drastically for various scenes it was weird. But, of course, you have paper-thin characters, and of course all the non God-loving people are the worst people on the face of the earth, basically being comic book villains because, you know, Christians can't have anyone challenge their beliefs! This movie at least tried to take a slightly different approach to the Christian genre by not sticking strictly to a Bible story, but when that's what you have to do to try to find the good points of a film.....that's not good. Why must the Christian genre be completely lacking in production value? Sigh....
Guys - it was a good year for Adam Sandler. He didn't work with Dennis Dugan, also known as the worst director in Hollywood, and the rest of his posse on a crappy film and he only made $6 million all year with the films he did make! He showed up in only two films. His first, Blended, brought back the only good thing about Adam Sandler films in the last 10-15 years in Drew Barrymore, while his second, Men, Women & Children, avoided the theater altogether! So, a good year! Right? Well, even though Drew Barrymore is in this, and even though she is as charming as ever, this movie still sucks. There's one or two laughs (which is more than Sandler's Grown Ups 2, which was my worst movie of 2013) but that's it. And there's still really annoying product placement. And all the women are still being objectified. And it's still a cash-grab. But hey! That's why it's on the list, right? You suck, Adam Sandler. Please. Please stop. Drew Barrymore is essentially the only reason this movie is not higher on the list. But you still suck. And you still need to either get your act together or get out of the business. Shame on you.
Oh boy this movie. Oh boy. I can barely even remember anything about it at this point, other than the fact that I was so hopeful for it! The premise sounded like it was going to be a ton of fun. And then, the film just failed on every. Single. Level. It's honestly amazing to see such an interesting idea fail to such an epic degree. The movie isn't even lazy. The movie just doesn't care. Johnny Depp doesn't care. Kate Mara is in this film for like 3 minutes. Morgan Freeman shows up for no reason! This movie is the definition of a cash grab. The only person who even remotely cares, and thus is the only saving grace of the film, is Rebecca Hall. She has the closest thing to human emotion in this film as she struggles with the AI Johnny Depp character, but other than that there is absolutely no emotion in this film. When there should be emotion at every turn. What a wasted premise.
5) Transformers: Age of Extinction
F*ck you, Michael Bay. Why can't your giant action films have any sort of cohesion? Why can't we tell where anything is in relation to anything else? Why did I have to force myself through the first three of these films over the summer in order to get "hyped" for the fourth one? Why? Because I like to torture myself. That's why. And to anyone who wants to try to defend this piece of crap, go watch Godzilla. Watch that film, and then tell me Transformers 4 is any good at all. Because it's not the best of starts for a film when the bar is Godzilla and Aaron Taylor-Johnson. Now imagine giant EXPLOSIONS occurring behind me as I type this. Cause explosions make everything more dramatic, right?
4) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Oh ya, and then there's this one! Cause one Michael Bay summer blockbuster wasn't enough! It's hard to believe that this film is worse than Transformers 4. Look. Here's the thing with this film versus Transformers 4. They are both shot terribly, they both don't have a story, and they are both shot terribly, (that's how bad the cinematography of these films are, they must be mentioned twice) but at least Transformers 4's explosions look decent. (You just can't really see them to truly admire them) At least the sound isn't a complete mess. TMNT couldn't even get those right! Which is kind of important when your main characters are pure CGI! But the turtles look like crap, they sound like crap, and that's on top of everything else being terrible! And why is Megan Fox in this? Megan Fox has never been a good actress. She's in the business for one reason and one reason only, and it really bothers me that this is the case. We all know why. Just Google Megan Fox and you'll see. Here's the thing, though: this movie starts as acknowledging the fact that it's a big stupid action movie. It starts by having a bit of fun. But as soon as the turtles show up, it becomes a serious action movie. But you don't care! You could not care less about these horribly written characters. It is really hard to have it both ways, especially when the story is as generic as humanly possible. The only thing this movie has going for it is the fact that it's short. Much shorter than Transformers. Thank God for that.
3) Exodus: Gods and Kings
I'm sorry for the people I'm about to piss off with this statement. Ridley Scott is the single most overrated director in Hollywood. Plain and simple. Yes. He has had a few great films. Alien, Gladiator, Blade Runner, and one or two others. But, he's been on a role for the past few years with some TERRIBLE movies. American Gangster, Body of Lies, Robin Hood, Prometheus, and The Counselor are all either below average or just flat-out terrible. And the bar doesn't get any higher with Exodus: Gods and Kings. How many times have we seen the Moses story, again? I've lost count. But the problem is Ridley Scott thinks he's better than he is, so as a result we get this uber serious film that's horribly written, horribly shot, and full of cash-grab performances. Which is a damn shame when you have Christian Bale, who's famously known for being absorbed into his performances, Joel Edgerton, Aaron Paul, Ben Kingsley, and Signourney Weaver. So, I sat through this INCREDIBLY long 150 minute film wondering to myself, why does this film exist? Well, it all comes back to the religious audience. This movie is the embodiment of studios beginning to realize that there is a rapidly growing religious audience that have to see their faith recreated in film. All they have to do is throw a decent budget together, and have a big marketing campaign behind the film, and it'll make bank. This movie plays things incredibly safe from a biblical perspective, and just basically retells the story of Moses the way Christian audiences want to see it. The film doesn't even bother to hire, you know, ethnically-correct actors for this movie. Why? Because they know Christian audiences don't care about that sort of thing! They just care that these films are made so they can feel like they are living their faith by seeing it. Look. I'm not bashing the Christian faith. I'm just saying there has to be a better way to live your faith than by seeing a movie. There has to be! Because at this point, these religious films have stopped caring about quality, and only care about quantity. It's just a shame that Ridley Scott had to lower himself to this level.
Ok guys. Let me set this up for you: how about we have a musical with actors who can't sing and then ask them to sing? Not only that, but let's modernize all the classic songs from the musical with a really generic pop beat! How's that? Do we have a good movie? Ya. Really nailed it. WHO'S IDEA WAS THIS? No! I want to know. I WANT TO KNOW. THAT PERSON NEEDS TO BE FIRED. Everything about this movie sucks, including every actor that accepted a paycheck to be in this movie. That includes you, Rose Byrne. I may love you, and you may have impressed me greatly in Neighbors, but this is a major step backwards in your career. Don't do it again. I'm also talking to you, Jamie Foxx. You accepted two big paydays and delivered lazy performances in both of them in 2014 between Annie and The Amazing Spider-Man 2. Is this really what your gonna do with your Django Unchained fame? I WAS JUST STARTING TO LIKE YOU, JAMIE FOXX. And then there's Quvenzhane Wallis. Bless your soul. I understand that you have to take everything that's offered to you right now, but please: next time your director has no idea what they're doing, just....kick them! Ya. Violence always works, right? Please don't do this again. I honestly had more fun watching the film try to hide the fact that Cameron Diaz doesn't even know what the word "sing" means than I did with anything else here. And this Cameron Diaz can't sing "storyline" had a dramatic conclusion when suddenly Diaz had the final solo of the whole entire movie. Good job guys! Way to really leave on a high note. See that? That's a pun. I'm so funny! Seriously. Don't see this movie.
And the worst movie of 2014 was....
1) Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas
Yup! It's all been leading to this. That's right. I watched this film. Or rather tried to, because despite it's INCREDIBLY short 80 minute runtime, I gave up. I got 40 minutes in and realized that I had better things to do! And stopped watching it. This is the first time I've ever done this in my career of calling myself an amateur film critic. I struggled through Grown Ups 2. I even struggled through Manos: The Hands of Fate for you guys! But never have I struggled so much with a film that I gave up trying to watch it. That's why I didn't review it in the first place. It's that bad. So we're gonna talk about it now, ok? Ok.
So, the problems with this movie begin right from the start. This movie has no demographic. It's obviously a Christian film, but it proceeds to bash Christians for not knowing enough about their faith. Which is just impressive when you think about it. This movie goes out of its way to shame its audience while they are forcing themselves through it. Then it fails on every other possible level. It ignores fundamental rules of filmmaking, such as the invisible wall rule which I never would've thought I'd see a modern movie breaking, and features terrible performances from everyone involved. This movie is simply just inept on every level. Half of this movie felt like Kirk Cameron just rubbing his own ego. He's not even the lead in this! The lead, played by "director" Darren Doane who's (of course) named Christian, is doubting his faith and the fact that Christmas has become such a materialistic holiday with the religious connotations completely lost underneath it. But don't worry! Kirk Cameron is here to save the day! He'll explain to you why materialism is actually a good thing for Christians and how it helps validate the faith! WHAT? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? At this point, any potential moviegoer has either been alienated by the premise or completely insulted, and starts to realize that they have better things to do with their life. Remember how I've been talking about the fact that the Christian genre is around nowadays to ensure that Christians can "live their faith" by seeing these films? Well, this movie was made by one of those Christians. And we get his totally illogical and incomprehensible take on our countries current stance on the holidays and how messed up it is and it's all shot horribly in just a car and it feels like it was shot in the course of 3 days at Kirk Cameron's house and....GAH! Even explaining this film doesn't make sense to me! NOTHING IS REAL ANY MORE. WE ARE ALL PART OF A COMPUTER PROGRAM KNOWN AS THE MATRIX. Yup. I've lost my mind just thinking about this film. Go home Kirk Cameron. You're drunk. Please save us from your films. Please.
So...uh....there you have it. I kind of feel weird right now, because trying to understand Saving Christmas exploded part of my brain. However, I hope to come back tomorrow and check out my top 10 movies of 2014! Hopefully I'll collect the particles of my brain that are lying around on the floor by then.....
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