10) The Fifth Estate (Trailer)
A lot of people might disagree with this one. But there are a lot of problems with this movie. A lot. Holy crap a lot. First off, you are supposed to identify and support Benedict Cumberbatch's character, WikiLeaks creator Julian Assange. Even at the end of the movie after he puts many innocent lives in danger in order to pad his own ego. Yep! You're still supposed to identify with him and support even then! It just doesn't work. Plain and simple. Here's the next thing that makes this movie terrible: they manage to make a movie with some incredibly fascinating source material, including one of the biggest government leaks in US history, and they just make it incredibly dull and overlong and just....well....not interesting.Typing montage after typing montage after typing montage. Hey! Let's go to another exotic location just to go in some random building and have another typing montage! That's the foundation of a good movie right? And when someone comes in and asks what we are doing, let's dramatically lower our computer screen and play innocent! It's just so so stupid. And the dream sequences to make the computer illiterate understand what Daniel Bruhl's character is doing to Cumberbatch within the company? The website as an office metaphor? Remember those? Absolutely atrocious. Pro tip guys: the computer illiterate are probably not going to watch this movie. The computer illiterate probably have no idea that WikiLeaks even exists. So, don't put a stupid dream sequence that is completely unnecessary for the rest of us just to try to have the computer illiterate keep up. STOP. Alright that was a good start.....this is going to only get worse.....
My Number: 2.5/10
9) The Lone Ranger (Trailer)
Don't worry haters! The Lone Ranger still made the list, despite having one of the most enjoyable movie moments of 2013. So I'm not going to talk about the moment where The Lone Ranger finally became The Lone freaking Ranger for 3 minutes, rather, I'm going to talk about the other 145 minutes of this film. Seriously? 145 minutes? A HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES? Sorry. Forgot how LONG this movie is. Damnit! Anyway....so let's start with the big chase sequence at the end. Let's start with the trains. The WHOLE movie you have convicts and slaves and just hundreds of people all working on ONE set of train tracks. Then in the big chase sequence all the sudden there's TWO trains! And TWO sets of tracks! And they are going on top of each other and underneath each other, and you don't know where anything is or what the hell is even happening, and I'm just sitting there like.....what? It's so bloated and discombobulating and ridiculous! That's just the ending. And at one point the Lone Ranger is like, "We gotta go back and get the silver!" And I'm like, "Wait, we're supposed to care about the silver? What?" That doesn't even begin to talk about how the other 2 hours of this film are just terrible! It's a Lone Ranger origin story where you don't really care about any of the characters or their origin. Not to mention the part where all throughout the movie it cuts to a 1936/really old Tonto aka Johnny Depp with lots of makeup on telling the whole story to some little kid at a festival. Doesn't that sound like something you want to be reminded of 15 times in a movie? Yes? NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT. It's an absolutely terrible way to get exposition out. You want to have one of the main characters tell the audience the story as they are watching it? Do it like The Sandlot did: see 1936 Tonto briefly then have him tell the story from start to finish and cut to him again at the very end for a cool moment. Did you see that? I just made a better narrative story than The Lone Ranger did by ripping off The Sandlot! They should pay me the big bucks. Let's go into acting for a minute, guys. I love Armie Hammer. He's one of the best up-and-comers Hollywood has to offer. His work in The Social Network and even J. Edger was fantastic and memorable. But here? Not even he can save this train wreck. (See what I did there? No? Good.) And Johnny Depp.....can I just say that, as good as Depp is, he's played practically the same f*cking character since Edward Scissorhands? Well, like it or not, I'm saying it. Every character he plays, it's always about, "Look at me! Look at how odd I am. I can't keep my balance. Doesn't that make me so weird?" He doesn't branch out at ALL. Is it a bad thing? No. But in a terrible movie such as this, being reminded that Depp is playing the same character again just adds to the misery. And the crybaby responses Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney made when this movie turned into the biggest flop of 2013 was incredibly unprofessional. Here's a fun fact and how you knew this movie was going to be a flop: the top grossing Western of all time is Dances with Wolves, grossing $180 million at the box office. That means The Lone Ranger would've had to have made that much money plus ANOTHER $40 million JUST TO MAKE BACK ITS BUDGET. Fail guys. Massive fail. 10/10 in that department. Onto bigger and better things? No...not really....
My Number: 2.5/10
8) Identity Thief (Trailer)
I could probably fill this list the awful comedies of 2013. Movies like The Internship, Delivery Man, (lol Vince Vaughn's career) Movie 43, and Scary Movie V, all deserve spots on this list. But I've decided to only include three. Melissa McCarthy and Jason Bateman are working together on a movie. Wow! That should be good right? After all The Heat is probably the second-best comedy of 2013 and it's up there primarily because of the skills of McCarthy. Almost every movie she's done is absolutely hilarious, and yet the director and the writers in this movie just absolutely refused to let her be herself! They chose the politically correct decision to make Melissa McCarthy a woman in this movie, not a deliciously evil villain. There's nothing wrong with this by any means, but in this movie McCarthy is being her typical badass self for like 20 minutes and then is forced to be sad and upset and crying over how awful her life is! Really? C'mon guys. That's what I mean by making the politically correct decision. Not to mention the part where the movie is almost 2 hours long. As in WAY TO LONG. Personally I liked Due Date, another not-so-good cross-country movie. I thought the chemistry between Galifanakis and RDJ was hilarious. But Bateman and McCarthy chemistry? HA! That's a better joke than anything in this movie! The plot is shallow as hell, and let's not forget the part where they are heading from Florida to Colorado, and it takes them 90 minutes to get to St. Louis, and then the movie's like, "Lol! We're done." Seriously they go from St. Louis to Colorado in like a minute and then the movie ends. All of this could be forgiven if ANY of the jokes in this movie were funny. Besides for the few moments where Melissa McCarthy tries to be herself, this movie is not funny in any way, shape, or form. It's also one of the top-grossing comedies of 2013. Remember that? Now do you remember anything about it? No? Ok. Moving on.
My Number: 2.5/10
7) Getaway (Trailer)
Lol this movie. Just.....lol. It and Paranoia get the "What the hell were you thinking?" Awards of this list. So much stupid, guys. So much stupid. Let's explore it a little, shall we? So, first of all, the acting sucked. Well, everything sucked, but trying to believe that Selena Gomez is a teenage super-hacker with an iPad is just flat out comical. She tries, but similarly to Justin Timberlake in Runner Runner, she just can't get there. But let's talk about where this movie really sucks. Yes it's a dumb action movie with cars. I get that. So what is it that you have to look forward to in a dumb action movie with cars? The cars? RIGHT ANSWER. This movie can't even get that right! All the chase scenes (most of which make no sense as is...they just happen) are impossible to follow. And there are very few wideshots of the cars to show them off. It's ridiculous! All we see are very close and uncomfortable close-ups all throughout the movie. And the things that Ethan Hawke is asked to do is ridiculous. "Go, drive into this park. Find this person. They will give you something." SO FREAKING DRAMATIC. And we'll be going along our daily routine and then BAM! COPS EVERYWHERE. CHASE SCENE. No buildup. Just. RANDOM CHASE SCENE. ALL THE TIME. The big controversy with this movie is the fact that supposedly they crashed real cars. That would look really cool....if they could actually show the crashes well! Half of them look like terrible CGI anyway! You guys really threw this one to the dogs. Kudos.
My Number: 2/10
6) After Earth (Trailer)
A for effort on this one. The official...ready for this name? Will-Smith-puts-his-son-in-a-starring-role movie stars Will and Jaden Smith, though as I said this movie was almost exclusively Jaden Smith, with father Will mostly shouting orders from a command center. Jaden Smith....bless his heart, but God is he terrible. In his defense he's asked to play a role that only the best of the best in Hollywood might (keyword: might) be able to pull off, being alone for most of the movie and having to react to essentially nothing from an acting standpoint, but it's still really tough to watch. The real fault of this movie, however, belongs with its creator. It's amazing how the word has gotten around that M. Night Shymalan movies are essentially a death sentence for those who star in it, even when the production company behind it puts a lot of money into trying to hide this fact. Guys, M. Night Shymalan sucks. He is quite literally the SECOND-worst director in Hollywood right now. It is PAINFUL. And honestly, I do dread when it comes time to see his movies more than the worst director in Hollywood, Dennis Dugan (Adam Sandler's director) because at least with the latest Adam Sandler movie, I can have a hope that MAYBE it will have a few laughs. When I go into an M. Night Shymalan movie, I know I am in for an excruciating two hours. Well....but he's up to his typical antics here, with naming things all these big exotic names that you can't remember and trying to over-"immerse" you into the world he makes. He asks too much of his actors, and he drives the movie straight into the ground in spectacular fashion. He must realize that his formula doesn't work, and yet he keeps doing it! What? M. Night Shymalan: STOP MAKING MOVIES. NOW. PLEASE.
My Number: 2/10
5) G.I. Joe 2: Retaliation (Trailer)
Why. Why does this movie exist? It wasn't even a cash-grab! After all, the first one did not make back its budget in the states. IT DIDN'T MAKE BACK ITS OWN FREAKING BUDGET. Sure, the ending of the original made it clear that they were going for a sequel, but who really wanted one? After all the movie sucked. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in the original. Can we just take a moment to remember that that was a thing? Not to mention the part where Channing Tatum was in it. Or Dennis Quaid. Well...let's see....how do you make a good sequel? By killing off literally everyone from the original besides Jonathan Pryce? Ya. Nailed it guys. Nailed it. Seriously, I knew I was in for a diarrhea-like experience when literally EVERYONE FROM THE ORIGINAL DIES WITHIN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES. Oh am I spoiling? Oh did you care about the sequel to the hit 2009 summer blockbuster? Didn't think so. Seriously though. After everyone dies, we are left with Dwayne Johnson. Yep. Dwayne Johnson. And Bruce Willis later! Because that performance wasn't phoned-in at all. No I swear you can really tell Bruce Willis is trying in this movie. Trying to get off the set, that is. (Drops microphone) Poor CGI, terrible acting, and a ridiculously stupid plot make this movie stupid even within the category of stupid action movies. At least the original had that pretty awesome Paris chase scene in the super suits. You know with Channing Tatum and that other guy avoiding the missiles in slow motion? Remember that? That was pretty cool. This movie has Dwayne Johnson carrying around a mounted machine gun. Ya. I'm just going to move on with my life. Go watch Fast and Furious 6 or White House Down if you want to watch a good stupid action movie from 2013. At least those movies are wildly enjoyable.
My Number: 2/10
4) Red 2 (Trailer)
Red 2.....the much-anticipated and needed sequel to Red. Wait, Red needed a sequel??? What unanswered questions were left after Red? I mean at least with G.I. Joe 2 there was a pretty big cliffhanger that set up that sequel. This was just....the very definition of a cash-grab. Do you not believe me? Then watch how excited Bruce Willis is to sell the film. That interview is painful to watch. And poor Mary-Louise Parker....she's trying so hard to have fun. But Bruce Willis is just absolutely ruining her day. Honestly that 5 minute interview is probably more entertaining than the actual film. Anyway, this movie can definitely be called the action equivalent of Grown Ups 2. It is just so incredibly lazy! So lazy it's insulting. The first ten minutes the movie shows potential. Then it falls into every action clique it possibly can. Here's one: so, the bad guys have giant machine guns that can rip apart cars. (Even though simultaneously a wooden table stops those same bullets right in their tracks.) Ok. So the main bad guy has this huge machine gun and is shooting at our "heroes" who are hiding behind cars. The machine guns are clearly destroying the cars, as I said. So the good guys duck down to avoid the gun fire. Obviously. All the main bad guy has to do in this instance is shoot the tires and everybody's dead! Like.....duh? This happens a few times too if my memory holds true. I know it's based off a graphic novel, but still. Like at least Shoot 'Em Up was a parody of itself and acknowledged the fact that it was ridiculous and unbelievable. (In terms of the bad guys aim being equivalent to that of a stormtrooper.) This movie tries to have an actual serious plot coupled with ridiculous one-liners that are like the modern version of "Why I outta!!" So stupid. And you don't care about the plot, and no one is even remotely interesting. And there are no laughs. At least the first one had some good interplay between Bruce Willis and Karl Urban. And Mary-Louise Parker had an interesting backstory. But not here! It's just your standard shoot 'em up without any laughs or excitement.
My Number: 1.5/10
3) The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (Trailer)
The fact that this movie was terrible makes me really really sad. Unlike many of the movies on this list, I actually had some pretty high hopes for this one. I love Steve Carrell. Brick Tamland might be my favorite member of the Anchorman crew. Not to mention Michael Scott. I love Steve Buscemi. Seriously. Buscemi was the funniest part of Armageddon, and he is maniacal and diabolical in Boardwalk Empire. Jim Carrey is hilarious, and Olivia Wilde is one of my current favorite female actors. And gorgeous. Yet everyone besides her is phoning it in. There is virtually no effort made by anyone else, as Steve Carrell basically plays a very slow-talking Michael Scott. Without any of the likable qualities. That was another problem: Carrell's character, the star of the movie, is not even remotely likable. Not even a little bit. And then he suddenly redeems himself towards the end. Out of the blue. Which I obviously didn't buy for a second. Buscemi's character leaves the movie for basically the entire second act, and other members of the supporting cast, including Alan Arkin and the late great JAMES GANDOLFINI are also basically non-existent. James Gandolfini is in this, guys. I feel bad just saying that. Despite everything I've mentioned, this could all be forgiven (like Identity Thief) if the movie was funny. It's not. Alan Arkin has the funniest moment of the damn thing and he does it visually. Everyone here is just playing ridiculous and unbelievable characters, and any sense of realism is gone when the movie goes between having it all and having nothing at all. As in Carrell is either selling out a Vegas stage or working in a nursing home. That's the difference between playing in the MLB and playing in a slow-pitch softball league. There are several divisions in between them, obviously. But nope, nothing's ever mentioned on those lines: it's either headlining the MGM Grand or working at Burt's Nursing Home. A ridiculous story without any laughs. Go home guys. You're ALL drunk.
My Number: 1.5/10
2) Paranoia (Trailer)
First of all, if you are still here, I salute you. Second, if you scrolled down just to see what my top two were, welcome to the party! Hahaha Paranioa. So many lols. And not the good kind. This is officially the most incompetent movie of 2013. Similar to Getaway, Paranoia immediately digs itself into a hole when it tries to convince you that someone as good-looking as Liam Hemsworth is a computer/tech genius! Ya....no. The movie only gets worse, not better. Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman, the "calling cards" of this travesty, are clearly phoning it in for a paycheck on this one. Though I will give Harrison Ford credit for going bald to play the role. That's seriously the best part of the movie. Oh, and you know the part where these two guys should have many scenes where they face off against each other with a lot of tension and action backing it up somehow? Since they are at the heads of two competing tech companies? Well, they have two. Two scenes together. Sure it's the two best scenes of the movie, but that is damning with feint praise. This movie has no tension behind it whatsoever, with so many ridiculous things happening to advance the terribly incoherent plot. Here I'll give you a few examples: so the FBI shows up and bugs/puts cameras in Hemsworth's apartment. Ok so that happens. Why? Um....who cares. Then the FBI calls him and tells him to do various things, and during the course of the conversation, they inexplicably tell Liam Hemsworth that they can see him. So that then he can go around and tear up his apartment looking for the cameras and bugs because he knows they are watching him. They needed to spy on him, so why on earth would they tell Hemsworth that they can see him???? Oh I'm not done. Then, a day or two later, when the FBI's plan doesn't work, they want to kill him. Because that's what the FBI does. Anyway, they want to kill him. And the main FBI agent shows up at Hemsworth's apartment and confronts him in his garage. The FBI agent proceeds to take out his gun, open his car's trunk (which has the plastic that you see in every movie where there's going to be a dead body in the trunk) and tells Hemsworth to get in the trunk. NO ONE IS GOING TO GET IN THAT TRUNK! Ya sure! Let me just hop in the trunk covered in plastic. You aren't going to kill me right? It is mind-numbingly dumb and has to be seen to be believed. There are plenty more idiocies in this movie, but Ben Mankowitz actually took the time to describe those two acts bits of stupidity so I stole them so I wouldn't have to re-watch this disaster. But this is why you don't feel any tension! So many movie mistakes made here just to advance the "plot." I don't mind Liam Hemsworth in The Hunger Games. He's not half-bad actually. But boy is he, and everyone else involved, absolutely terrible in this. Avoid like the plague. Actually this might be so stupid it's funny. Oh and girls? Liam Hemsworth is magically shirtless most of the time here. YA! HOT GUYS WITHOUT SHIRTS. That's literally all this movie has to offer. You ready for me to lose my mind? Well, let's get to number 1, shall we?
My Number: 1/10
1) Grown Ups 2 (Featurette-Just for the lolz)
We come to it at last. The worst movie of 2013. Ready for one hell of a rant? Let me start with this: Adam Sandler needs to go f*ck himself. Seriously. He is without a doubt the worst thing in Hollywood right now, and while everyone in the business knows that he is, he still gets massive budgets from Sony to make these movies that cost nothing (and have a buttload of product placements too) and is making out like a bandit on them. And all these recognizable comedians want a piece. Understandably so, as guys that are on the tail-end of their careers, like Kevin James, David Spade, and Chris Rock, all have prominent roles in this. And need to make as much money as possible. But here's a big warning sign in this movie: when Rob Schneider refuses to reprise the role he played in the original Grown Ups, you know something's wrong. But then people like Maya Rudolph and Salma Hayek are prominent too! WHY? The cameos are stupid, with the exception of Taylor Lautner. His appearance with his frat boys and all the chest-bumping (parodying bros) is not just the funniest part in the movie, it is the ONLY time I ever laughed.
I'm breaking this up because it is such a long rant. Seriously. Who thinks the scene where the deer pisses on them in the morning is funny? HOW IS THAT FUNNY? Poor Andy Sam-you know what? No. Shame on you, Andy Samberg, for showing up in this piece of shit. Your scene almost made me cry out of sadness. You should've learned your lesson in That's My Boy but here The Lonely Island shows up for a car wash scene that was all over the place in the trailers. In a good movie, this car wash scene with a bunch of guys would be a really smart and sharp satire on what we ask woman to do when they are objectifying themselves in movies, but not here! Here it's just a freaking gay panic scene. With Andy Samberg. YOU F*CKED IT UP, GUYS.
More breaking up. So let's talk about the plot. I JUST MADE A JOKE FUNNIER THAN ANY MOMENT IN THIS MOVIE. Associating Grown Ups 2 with plot. Ha! Anyway, in terms of what actually happens, this movie can't even figure out who it's aimed for! First off, there are so many bathroom jokes and fart jokes that this movie would appear to be targeted at 14-year old boys. Fair enough. But then, there's a massive party scene with a lot of random boobs that goes more for college-age adult comedy, (remember Project X?) but then, as if that's not enough, the entire third act is an 80s reference, which neither of those previous two categories would care all that much about! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SENSE OF IDENTITY, GROWN UPS 2. YOU ARE LITERALLY A WASTE OF SPACE AND TIME. And the worst part? They get these massive budgets because THEY ARE STILL MAKING MONEY. How? How are these things not flops? This movie made over $130 million at the box office. That's 20th on the list of 2013 movies up to this point. Off of an $80 million budget. The movie is shot in all backlots and probably cost almost nothing before f*cking Dennis Dugon, who directs all these shitty Adam Sandler movies, and Sandler and his bros make out like bandits with most of it. Not to mention the gratuitous amounts of product placements. K-Marts everywhere. Seriously. All these guys did was show up on Backlot A for 5 weeks and make a movie. And it made $130 million! If you find this movie funny, you're a bad person. I say that as kindly as possible, but you're a bad person. Referential jokes alone are not funny, guys. You should not be able to make an entire movie like an episode of just shitty Family Guy cutaways. And that's not even mentioning the objectification of women in this movie, which is just downright offensive. And the stupid homily (in every Adam Sandler movie) about how family is important! And we're just going to shove that down your throat when it comes time! This movie was made by people who look down on us as the audience. There was no effort put into this at all, and they could give two shits about whether this is a good movie or not. You know what's worse? THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING FOR YEARS. The first Grown Ups was awful. Jack and Jill was painful. That's My Boy was embarrassing. And yet these movies are STILL making money! F*ck guys! This movie is easily the worst movie Adam Sandler has ever crapped up. And that is saying something. Well done, man. You have easily earned the title of Enter the Movie's Worst Movie of 2013. As the late Philip Seymour Hoffman might say, "GO F*CK YOURSELF, YOU F*CKING CHILD." I'm done here. (Fades into the sunset)
My Number: 0.5/10 Taylor Lautner got them that 0.5 of a point. All him.
Couple deep breaths......couple heart pills.....done. Let's throw a few more movies to the wolves, shall we?
(Dis)Honorable Mentions (In no particular order)
A horrible attempt to showcase the rise of the punk rock scene. Terrible performances from the cast of Harry Potter and Foo Fighters own Taylor Hawkins make this one music movie to avoid. Go see Inside Llewyn Davis instead.
The Great Gatsby
Leo was pretty eccentric here, but everything else about the movie was terrible. Biggest fault? Making Tobey Maguire your narrater. I know his character is the narrater in the book, but after hearing Leo narrate Wolf of Wall Street, you guys should've changed that....
When your bio pic's lead is absolutely terrible, you are going to fail spectacularly. Still waiting on a good Steve Jobs bio pic, Hollywood.
Olympus Has Fallen
A stupid action movie that doesn't realize it's a stupid action movie. Taking yourself seriously is a recipe for disaster in that category.
While Ben Affleck does everything he can to make this movie enjoyable, not even he can save this train wreck. A valiant effort, but hearing Justin Timberlake talk computer code is just funny. No payoff, guys.
Grown-Ups 2: http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/Sq5CIH0duMk/maxresdefault.jpg
Red 2: http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18ub30r4mg0ahjpg/k-bigpic.jpg
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone: http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/screencrush.com/files/2013/03/burt.jpg
G.I. Joe 2: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/sites/default/files/2012/04/g_i_joe_retaliation_tatum_johnson.jpg
Identity Thief: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/sites/default/files/2013/02/identity_thief_film_still_a_l.jpg
After Earth: http://www.atlantablackstar.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/after-earth-a.jpg
The Lone Ranger: http://flavorwire.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/lone-ranger-still.jpg
The Fifth Estate: http://www.showfilmfirst.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/thefifthestate_winninganinformationwar.jpg