Does this need any set-up? No? Didn't think so. Here are the biggest movie disappointments from 2013! Enjoy my ranting.
5) The Lone Ranger
Oh I'm going to rant about this movie again? You bet your ass I am! This movie has seriously made it onto like every list I've produced. Rightfully so, though. There was so much hype behind this movie. Johnny Depp! Jerry Bruckheimer! ARMIE HAMMER. Armie freaking Hammer! But this movie dug itself into a hole from the moment they decided to have this incredibly good-looking actor behind a mask the entire time. And just overall not letting him be awesome. And hey! The movie turned into the biggest flop of the summer! And Jerry Bruckheimer blamed movie critics. Talk about being a crybaby. NO GUYS. You're movie tanked because it SUCKED. Ok. Let's break it down. This movie would've had to have made $40 million more than the top-grossing Western of ALL TIME, Dancing with Wolves, in order to MAKE BACK IT'S BUDGET. I mean...how....how....HOW CAN YOU EXPECT THAT TO HAPPEN? I mean that gets some serious double face-palm action. And oh ya if you spared yourself from this train wreck (lol same pun from the last time) you didn't see the part where this is also a prequel. As in THEY EXPECTED TO MAKE MORE. Seriously? Ok so how was this a disappointment? Well....it was a great show back in the day, with great talent playing the leads in this movie adaption. Initially the movie had an interesting premise in that Johnny Depp hinted that Tonto was going to be the focus of this story. And then he wasn't. Nothing about this movie was good. Except for the few moments where the Lone Ranger became the Lone Ranger. That was cool. But still, one of the worst movies of the year and a huge flop that was responded to by crybaby complaining. Total failure guys.
4) Oblivion Disappointment
Yes! Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman in the same movie! A sci-fi movie with a lot of money behind it and great production value! M83's doing the soundtrack? AWESOME! Hey guys? Where are the writers? Guys? GUYS? Well this is awkward..... This movie made me really sad. It looked so cool! Even during the movie. It looks gorgeous. The crew went all out here to make the sets look awesome, the weapons look futuristic and cool, and the spacecrafts look original and...well....cool! Not to mention the M83 soundtrack is AWESOME, and the theme song isn't just my favorite theme song of last year, it is one of my favorite songs period. (Here it is if you are confused) But the movie forgot to hire a competent writer. Totally missed that part. The story sucks. No way around it. And even though Cruise is solid as the lead here, not even he can save this. You don't care about the characters. The story made virtually no sense and was just really stupid. The dialogue was incredibly typical. Nobody has any chemistry at all. I still don't fully understand Morgan Freeman's character. AOEWIFAOIABOIN So much potential....squandered because they forgot the part where they need a writer who actually knows how to write a story. Now we have Edge of Tomorrow coming this year. Hopefully it will be better than this. Oh and this was a bust at the box office, as it did not make back it's budget. Go see Elysium if you want a good sci-fi story from 2013. Even though you'll have to put up with Jodie Foster. Still better than this.
3) Man of Steel Failure
And now we get to the biggest disappointment of the summer. In my opinion. Here's the thing: when I saw the first preview for this movie at the midnight premier of Dark Knight Rises and saw all the names attached to the movie, (Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder specifically) I got really excited! Then I saw all the actors set to play in this, like Amy Adams and Kevin Costner and Michael Shannon, among many many others, and I got even more excited! Sure Henry Cavill may not have been my first pick to play Superman, but that wasn't a huge deal. Then I saw the movie. Then. I saw. The freaking movie. It may not be one of the worst movies of the year, but this is definitely the worst movie that Christopher Nolan has ever put his name on. However, as I thought about it, I realized that the character itself is just as much at fault as the crew is here. Sorry to you Superman fans, but he is an absolutely terrible hero. The fact that he is invincible with just one single weakness really removes the human identification that you may have with characters like Iron Man, Spider-Man, or Batman. That would be ok if Superman, like Thor, would have problems with his home planet or something. But guess what? Nope. His problems have to be here on earth. Where he's invincible. Other problems I have with the movie: Amy Adams tries really hard here, as always, but she and Cavill just have no chemistry whatsoever. I didn't buy their romance for one second. The movie also just didn't give them an adequate chance to have a romance. It just kind of happened. Another major problem? Superman spends his whole life honing his powers. Understandable. It's not an easy thing to do. But Michael Shannon (the villain) on the other hand? Who has the exact same issues Superman has when he gets to earth? Solves them in five minutes. WHAT? That's not.....just.... WHAT? This literally left me speechless. I could get creating some bull sh*t "orb" or something to explain Shannon doing everything that Superman did in 30 years in 5 minutes, but nope! He just concentrated really hard. Nailed it. It wasn't all bad though. The best part of this movie was in the first act between Superman and Costner's character. It's a wonderful story of how an adopted child of two worlds might feel on earth, and the way it resolves with Costner is heartbreaking and powerful. Were it not for this subplot, this would be one of the worst movies of 2013. Problem is, this story ends pretty early on in the movie and what we are left with is absolute garbage. With death and destruction everywhere. Now, a lot of fanboys are upset with all the talk surrounding the sequel, as Snyder does seem to have pretty much lost his mind in terms of making this thing, but you know what? I'm going to try to be neutral. I will only hope that the sequel is the "Strikes Back" of the series, as JonTron might say. Please be better, guys.....
2) (Almost) The Entire Children's Genre of 2013
Sigh....ok. Let's start this one by taking a look at the list for Best Animated Feature at the Oscars this year. Ready? Frozen. Ok. Everyone knew about that and knows that it is one of the best animated movies of recent years. Then....uh....Despicable Me 2? Ok. That one was really good mostly because they made the best part of that, the Minions, the main character. The Croods? Didn't see it, but I heard it got good reviews. Then uh.....wait, is that an anime movie? Ya. The Wind Rises is totally an anime movie. Good for it. But....let's take a moment to realize that it didn't even release in the US. Ya....and it has the next best odds of winning this Oscar after Frozen's 1-14. Not 14-1. No. 1-14. Wondering why the yearly Pixar movie, Monsters University, isn't on the list? Or Free Birds? Smurfs 2? Planes? Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2? Walking with Dinosaurs? Epic? Well, I'll tell you why: THEY ALL SUCKED ASS. Well maybe not Monsters University that one was ok, BUT THE REST SUCKED ASS. Now I know the children's genre is going to have its fair share of sh*tty movies. Most of them, like Planes, are corporate ploys meant to sell memorabilia and such in addition to selling the movie to kids, but seriously. Could you at least make the movies A LITTLE bit better???? PLEASE? Most of these movies weren't even good from a kids perspective! Epic's story made no sense from an adult's perspective, so how in the hell is a kid supposed to follow it??? YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE STORY AT LEAST SOMEWHAT APPEALING TO CHILDREN. Like even Despicable Me 2 or even Monsters University! Especially Monsters University. That movie was really aimed at the generation who grew up with Monsters Inc as one of their favorite children's movies. TEN YEARS FROM NOW, NO ONE IS GOING TO SAY, "OH YA BRO, FREE BIRDS WAS MY CHILDHOOD." Or literally any of those movies other than Frozen. That is LITERALLY the only children's movie that will be remembered ten years from now from 2013. Please, guys. Get it together and make something at least somewhat appealing. That's all you need in order to capture the hearts of children everywhere. Average. But nope! Can't even get that this year. Got crap. Crap, crap, crap, and look! More crap. At least 2014 has had the pleasant surprise that is The Lego Movie thus far. Hopefully there will be more to come.
1) Peter Jackson's Cash-Grabbing Hobbit Venture
Well, we come to it at last. I'm going to be completely honest with you: having an excuse to rant on this may have been almost the entire reason that I made this list in the first place. I just....I can't....AHHH. Ok. Let's break it down: I am something of a Tolkien purist. Actually, no. I'm not. I am not a purist. I just don't like the fact that Jackson and crew are essentially doing whatever the fuck they want with this franchise. Like that Tauriel character? Doesn't exist in the world of J.R.R. Tolkien. At all. I don't mind them creating a hot female to offset the sausage fest, and Evangeline Lilly does do quite a great job with the character, but when she starts having a major impact on the story? Like creating a love story between her and one of the 73 hobbits on this quest? That's where I do draw the line. And the story itself is SO DRAWN OUT. The entire Gandalf storyline for example? Completely unnecessary. Like that, virtually nothing happens for, well, most of the freaking movie. I kid you not: there is about one hour of content here drawn out to over THREE HOURS. Why is it three hours? Just because a Peter Jackson movie is supposed to be over three hours? Is that literally the only reason? I think so. I'm not ok with this being a cash-grab. LOTR is too good for that. Don't think it's a cash-grab? Jackson's taking a book that is shorter than any of the LOTR and drawing it into three movies. By that logic Return of the King should've been a saga all in its own. But was it? No. Sure he's including other stories in The Hobbit trilogy, but could you really see Return of the King (which, I might add, just might be my single favorite movie of all time) containing 9+ hours of film? No? Hey man, don't worry. Neither can I. THIS IS NOT OK. And what's worse is that we were left with a cliffhanger. A F*CKING CLIFFHANGER. Think for a second. All three LOTR and the first Hobbit.....at least most of the problems that they created in each individual movie were solved in each individual movie. But NOPE! Not here. I wish you guys could've seen me in the theater. (Shoutout to my niece and nephew for being the only two who actually were.) I knew we were reaching the end, and I just had to sit there for a moment to realize that Lord of the freaking Rings was actually stooping down to the level of leaving me with a f*cking cliffhanger. Why? TO SELL TICKETS FOR THE THIRD ONE, OBVIOUSLY. Gotta make dat dough bro! It's obvious that they are trying to make There and Back Again the Return of the King of this series, but up to this point, you could easily watch the upcoming third movie without watching the previous two, and not feel behind. At all. IT SHOULDN'T WORK LIKE THAT. You should....you should....YOU SHOULD FEEL LIKE YOU DIDN'T JUST WASTE YOUR TIME IN AN LOTR MOVIE. AHHHHHH. Ok I'm done. Seriously though. I used to respect Peter Jackson. Even when he decided that The Hobbit was going to be three movies instead of two. I was ok with it. But now? Shame on you, Peter Jackson. Shame. On. You. This movie was still enjoyable, (mostly) but I do expect LOTR to be, well, LOTR. You have to do better, man. You have to.
So that's it. I don't know how many people still feel as strongly as I do about The Hobbit 2, because there definitely were some positives. Like Smaug. That was fantastic. But....but....it's gotta be better. At least the finale should be alright. But, it's definitely going to be too little, too late. Oh well. Thanks for reading guys! Just got one more to go with these lists....
The Hobbit: http://images.bwwstatic.com/columnpic6/762D4C27-B59C-6DF0-15E658FE1043D3F8.jpg
Free Birds: http://oyster.ignimgs.com/wordpress/stg.ign.com/2013/10/freebirds_102913_1600.jpg
Man of Steel: http://www.digitaltrends.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Man-Of-Steel-Henry-Cavill-Kal_El-3.jpg
The Lone Ranger: http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/33000000/Lone-Ranger-New-Trailer-the-lone-ranger-33019980-1920-800.jpg
Adam Sandler: http://simonmernagh.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/sandler.jpg
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