Hello Internet! How are you? Ready to have some fun? I sure hope so! It's that time of year. The Oscars are just days away, and it's time for me to share my thoughts on who I think will win the various awards. So, I won't keep you! Please enjoy my OFFICIAL (lol) Oscar predictions for 2014!
(Note: the favorites category was determined with Vegas odds by consulting http://www.oddschecker.com/awards/oscars AFTER I made my predictions. I then wrote the spin section.)
Writing: Original Screenplay
Who deserves it: Her
Who's the favorite: Her
Spin: The screenplays are going to be some of the closer battles this year. I think Her takes it because it won the Globe and it is an incredibly original take on the future. And the story is, you know, flawless. Though watch out for a dark horse win from American Hustle!
Writing: Adapted Screenplay
Who deserves it: The Wolf of Wall Street
Who's the favorite: 12 Years A Slave
Spin: Another close battle, I personally am torn virtually right down the middle on this one. I am told that Wolf of Wall Street stayed very loyal to the book, as well as 12 Years A Slave, but I'd want to see Wall Street win just because of the craziness of that story. However, I fully expect 12 Years to win in order to be politically correct. I'm ok with this decision here.
Who deserves it: Gravity
Who's the favorite: 12 Years a Slave (NOBODY WILL SEE THIS COMING)
Spin: This is the biggest favorite in Oscar history. While the obvious snub in this category is no Pacific Rim in favor of the freaking Lone Ranger, (the FREAKING Lone Ranger, guys....) not even it would stand even the slightest chance against Gravity. Avatar could not compete with it. To date, it is easily the best looking movie in cinema history. No denying this.
Who deserves it: Gravity
Who's the favorite: Gravity
Spin: Ya there's going to be a trend. Gravity will very likely win a lot, if not ALL, of the technical categories. Just, be ready for a clean sweep here.
Who deserves it: Gravity
Who's the favorite: Gravity
Spin: Remember that trend thing I was talking about....?
Seriously though. The sound in Gravity was as amazing as the visual effects. I fully expect Gravity to win both of these categories. I don't even foresee a dark horse.
Short Film (Live Action)
Who deserves it: N/A
Who's the favorite: The Voorman Problem
Spin: Ya if I was getting paid I would've investigated this category. Sue me. Though after seeing the fact that this short stars Martin Freeman and Tom Hollander I kind of want to go find it! It's also a clear favorite, according to Vegas odds.
Short Film (Animated)
Who deserves it: Get A Horse!
Who's the favorite: Get A Horse!
Spin: While I haven't seen all of them, I can say that Get A Horse! was amazing, and is the heavy heavy favorite to win this category. Actually, as I remember it further, Get A Horse! was, like, really amazing. It debuted before Frozen if my memory holds true and I remember thinking that was one of the coolest things I've ever seen. If it did debut before Frozen, then everyone's seen it and thus you can back me up on this!
Who deserves it: 12 Years A Slave
Who's the favorite: The Great Gatsby
Spin: Production design has always been a tough one for me to predict, however I loved the production design of 12 Years A Slave and Her. However Gatsby is coming in as the favorite here. If there's one thing Baz Luhmann can get right, it's production design. Even if the movie was not very good. Gravity is my dark horse. Yes, I did just name four of the five movies here. Honestly, this category is wide open for any of the five movies to win. (American Hustle is the fifth) But I think at the end of the day it will be 12 Years a Slave holding the Oscar.
Who deserves it: Let It Go (Frozen)
Who's the favorite: Let It Go (Frozen)
Spin: It appears that the cultural phenomenon that is Frozen and the millions of people that sing Let It Go in their car (cough cough) and have no idea there are any other songs up for Oscar contention might trump Hollywood's desire to be politically correct, like the Globes were, in giving Bono an Oscar. But between Let It Go and Ordinary Love....Let It Go is vastly better. And the deserving victor.
Who deserves it: Saving Mr. Banks
Who's the favorite: Gravity
Spin: I picked Banks here in part because it has no other nominations. I did absolutely love the score, and it was my favorite from 2013, but it is primarily based off of existing work in Mary Poppins, so it's not exactly original. However if I got a second pick, it would absolutely be Gravity. That score was equally as incredible as Banks. In short, I hope Banks wins, but I would not be surprised if Gravity hears its name called.
Makeup and Hairstyling
Who deserves it: Dallas Buyers Club
Who's the favorite: Dallas Buyers Club
Spin: The odds on this one are the same as the visual effects category with Gravity. And it is well-deserved. Jared Leto's transformation is one for the ages. Plus it helps when you have no competition whatsoever. Though shoutout to the Jackass crew for getting a nomination! They should be proud of that.
Foreign Language Film
Who deserves it: N/A
Who's the favorite: The Great Beauty
Spin: Again, if I was getting paid I would've seen these. I love that the Academy has this category, but still...these are all tough watches. Beauty is a rather heavy favorite though. The dark horse is The Hunt. According to Vegas.
Who deserves it: Gravity
Who's the favorite: Gravity
Spin: It's criminal that Wolf of Wall Street isn't on this list. After all editing is what Scorsese does best. And when Russell's American Hustle is on here, which borrows editing elements from Scorsese, it's salt in the wound. Not that it matters, however. This should be Gravity's once again to lose. Though watch out for Captain Phillips as a dark horse! If Gravity is not going to win one of the technical categories, it will be this one. And it will be to Captain Phillips.
Documentary Short Subject
Who deserves it: N/A
Who's the favorite: The Lady In Number 6
Spin: Again, if money were a thing....however I will say that there's a lot of buzz surrounding The Lady In Number 6. And it's a pretty clear favorite at the moment. Facing Fear may be a dark horse, though.
Who deserves it: 20 Feet From Stardom
Who's the favorite: The Act of Killing
Spin: This one should be a close one. One of the closer battles of the 2014 Oscars. However this is all in the shadow of my and many other's best documentary of 2013, Blackfish, not getting a nomination. Under the table deals here? Hm....
Who deserves it: American Hustle
Who's the favorite: The Great Gatsby
Spin: One of the closest battles this year, this category is really a three-way race between Hustle, Gatsby, and 12 Years a Slave. I want to see Hustle win because of the reverence it has for 70's attire, with the wardrobe for everyone just absolutely AMAZING (I would wear some of those costumes even now) but Gatsby will likely win because of the attention to detail paid in the movie and the sheer multitude of costumes. Though the movie was still terrible, so who knows? The votes might be split between Hustle and Gatsby and thus it will give 12 Years a Slave a chance to win. We'll see! Also this is the only Oscar I think American Hustle really has a good shoot of winning, so I hope they pull it off.
Who deserves it: Gravity
Who's the favorite: Gravity
Spin: The 13 minute single-shot opening to this movie is already becoming one of the greatest all-time moments in cinema history. Not to mention the rest of the movie. All other arguments are invalid.
Animated Feature Film
Who deserves it: Frozen
Who's the favorite: The Emperor's New Groove (Because we're about to go over a huge waterfall. With sharp rocks at the bottom.)
Spin: Let it go. Let it go! Can't hold it back anyAW DAMNIT. Can't get this song out of my head! Maybe building a snowman will do the trick. Do you want to build a snoF*CK!
Seriously though. This is a sure-thing if there ever was one. Even before it swept the nation. Actually there's a joke in this category where one of the betting sites hosted on oddschecker.com has 9-1 odds on any movie other than Frozen winning this category. 9-1! I think they got this.
Best Supporting Actress
Who deserves it: Lupita Nyong'o (12 Years a Slave)
Who's the favorite: Lupita Nyong'o (12 Years a Slave)
Spin: Personally, I loved June Squibb in Nebraska, but I know there is no chance she's going to win. However, Lupita Nyong'o deserves to win this award. Her first full-length performance in the business too. I look forward to seeing what she has to offer in the future. Is she the next Jennifer Lawrence? We'll see. Oh, speaking of Jennifer Lawrence, she's still a thing. So, if anyone is going to get this award over Nyong'o it's her. Because the Academy loves Jennifer Lawrence. Along with the rest of the world. Including myself. Because.....oh I'm sorry I got distracted by the awesomeness of Jennifer Lawrence. Now, where were we?
Best Supporting Actor
Who deserves it: Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club)
Who's the favorite: Jared Leto (Dallas Buyers Club)
Spin: I really wish Leto didn't have this performance in 2013, because the fanboy inside me really wants Cooper to win....
But Leto is the heavy heavy favorite here, and deservedly so. He was fantastic. One of the best performances overall of 2013. Of all four acting categories, this one is the closest to a sure-thing.
Who deserves it: Amy Adams (American Hustle)
Who's the favorite: Cate Blanchett (Blue Jasmine)
Spin: I love Amy Adams. I won't deny it for a second. But I thought her performance in American Hustle was the best part of American Hustle. Flawlessly switching between a British and American accent, Adams managed to play two entirely different characters in the same movie, requiring a huge range of emotions. While Blanchett was outstanding in Blue Jasmine, and is the clear favorite in this category, I really think Adams will upset her. And I'm sticking to it. I think this will be the big upset of the Oscars this year.
Who deserves it: Leonardo DiCaprio (The Wolf of Wall Street)
Who's the favorite: Mattew McConaughey (Dallas Buyers Club)
Spin: I want Leo to finally get his Oscar so badly. Not only that, but this is the best performance I've ever seen from him. However, while he is the deserving actor, picking him would be political suicide for the Academy. Look for the safe picks, either slavery in Ejiofor or AIDS in McConaughey. One of these years, Leo.....
Oh ya, do you like the picture? That's the perfect, "Could you please give me a freaking Oscar?" pose from Leo. PLEASE? No? Oh well at least he was nominated. More than we can say about Robert Redford....
Who deserves it: Alfonso Cuaron (Gravity)
Who's the favorite: Alfonso Cuaron (Gravity)
Spin: Gravity is Cuaron's brainchild. Another heavy favorite, no way he doesn't get this award. Though I would never be opposed to Scorsese dark horsing here. However I fear this may be the highest honor this movie gets.
Who deserves it: Gravity
Who's the favorite: 12 Years a Slave
Spin: I'm going to be pissed when 12 Years a Slave wins. The movie is the very definition of Oscar bait: a period piece about something that we feel bad about with a bunch of recognizable actors. It's not a bad movie, by any means, but in my opinion every movie on the Best Picture list is better than it, with the exception of MAYBE Nebraska. There. I said it. And 20 years from now, no one will remember this movie. They will, however, remember Gravity. You can take that to the bank. Yay Hollywood being politically correct! Sorry. I know people will come to the aid of 12 Years A Slave, but we all know it's not the deserving victor....
So there you have it! Thanks again for reading and here's to hoping this list was at least somewhat entertaining/educational! I love you. No. Seriously. I. Love. You. I felt like now was the appropriate time to share this fact with you. React to it how you please, but it was better for me to lay my cards on the table than leave you in the dark. Wanna go find Amy Adams and Leonardo DiCaprio and play a quick game of Monopoly? Ok sweet.
The Oscars: http://fairytalepictures.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/oscars.jpg
The Wolf of Wall Street: http://www.impawards.com/2013/posters/wolf_of_wall_street_ver3.jpg
The Voorman Problem: http://ilarge.listal.com/image/6275903/936full-the-voorman-problem-poster.jpg
Get A Horse!: http://www.cartoonbrew.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/getahorse-mickey-poster-580x867.jpg
12 Years A Slave: http://caaspeakers.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/RidleyJ_12-Years-a-Slave_Poster.jpg
Saving Mr. Banks: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/0/0d/Saving_Mr._Banks_Theatrical_Poster.jpg
Dallas Buyers Club: http://www.impawards.com/2013/posters/dallas_buyers_club_ver2.jpg
The Great Beauty: http://img1.gomolo.com/images/news/284/12263_poster-of-the-great-beauty.jpg
The Lady In Number 6: http://nickreedent.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/The-Lady-In-Number-6-Poster-1125x1500.jpg
20 Feet from Stardom: http://25.media.tumblr.com/04ad958a6170ec2bd9f13461d7819ca0/tumblr_mm6mcw3TR61sn7wjto1_1280.jpg
American Hustle: http://moviepronews.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/AMERICAN-HUSTLE-Poster.jpg
Lupita Nyong'o: http://www.studiosystemnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/lupita-12-years-a-slave.jpg
Jared Leto: http://static.rogerebert.com/uploads/blog_post/primary_image/interviews/jared-leto-talks-about-his-latest-transformation-in-dallas-buyers-club/primary_DallasBuyersClub-2013-4.jpg
Amy Adams: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/sites/default/files/2013/12/amy_adams_wardrobe_malfunction_a_p.jpg
Leonardo DiCaprio: http://highlighthollywood.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/Wolf-2.jpg
Alfonso Cuaron: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/sites/default/files/2014/01/GVD01381.jpg
Hello Internet! How are you today? Fantastic. So hey it's almost March, so natrually what am I talking about? The best movies of 2013? Why, good sir, (or madam) you are absolutely right! Why is this list coming out so late, you ask? I like building the suspense obviously. It has nothing to do with procrastinating or anything. Nothing at all. Well, wanna get this party started? Let's go! Here are the best movies of 2013 according to Enter the Movies. Enjoy!
Does this need any set-up? No? Didn't think so. Here are the biggest movie disappointments from 2013! Enjoy my ranting.
5) The Lone Ranger
Oh I'm going to rant about this movie again? You bet your ass I am! This movie has seriously made it onto like every list I've produced. Rightfully so, though. There was so much hype behind this movie. Johnny Depp! Jerry Bruckheimer! ARMIE HAMMER. Armie freaking Hammer! But this movie dug itself into a hole from the moment they decided to have this incredibly good-looking actor behind a mask the entire time. And just overall not letting him be awesome. And hey! The movie turned into the biggest flop of the summer! And Jerry Bruckheimer blamed movie critics. Talk about being a crybaby. NO GUYS. You're movie tanked because it SUCKED. Ok. Let's break it down. This movie would've had to have made $40 million more than the top-grossing Western of ALL TIME, Dancing with Wolves, in order to MAKE BACK IT'S BUDGET. I mean...how....how....HOW CAN YOU EXPECT THAT TO HAPPEN? I mean that gets some serious double face-palm action. And oh ya if you spared yourself from this train wreck (lol same pun from the last time) you didn't see the part where this is also a prequel. As in THEY EXPECTED TO MAKE MORE. Seriously? Ok so how was this a disappointment? Well....it was a great show back in the day, with great talent playing the leads in this movie adaption. Initially the movie had an interesting premise in that Johnny Depp hinted that Tonto was going to be the focus of this story. And then he wasn't. Nothing about this movie was good. Except for the few moments where the Lone Ranger became the Lone Ranger. That was cool. But still, one of the worst movies of the year and a huge flop that was responded to by crybaby complaining. Total failure guys.
4) Oblivion Disappointment
Yes! Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman in the same movie! A sci-fi movie with a lot of money behind it and great production value! M83's doing the soundtrack? AWESOME! Hey guys? Where are the writers? Guys? GUYS? Well this is awkward..... This movie made me really sad. It looked so cool! Even during the movie. It looks gorgeous. The crew went all out here to make the sets look awesome, the weapons look futuristic and cool, and the spacecrafts look original and...well....cool! Not to mention the M83 soundtrack is AWESOME, and the theme song isn't just my favorite theme song of last year, it is one of my favorite songs period. (Here it is if you are confused) But the movie forgot to hire a competent writer. Totally missed that part. The story sucks. No way around it. And even though Cruise is solid as the lead here, not even he can save this. You don't care about the characters. The story made virtually no sense and was just really stupid. The dialogue was incredibly typical. Nobody has any chemistry at all. I still don't fully understand Morgan Freeman's character. AOEWIFAOIABOIN So much potential....squandered because they forgot the part where they need a writer who actually knows how to write a story. Now we have Edge of Tomorrow coming this year. Hopefully it will be better than this. Oh and this was a bust at the box office, as it did not make back it's budget. Go see Elysium if you want a good sci-fi story from 2013. Even though you'll have to put up with Jodie Foster. Still better than this.
3) Man of Steel Failure
And now we get to the biggest disappointment of the summer. In my opinion. Here's the thing: when I saw the first preview for this movie at the midnight premier of Dark Knight Rises and saw all the names attached to the movie, (Christopher Nolan and Zack Snyder specifically) I got really excited! Then I saw all the actors set to play in this, like Amy Adams and Kevin Costner and Michael Shannon, among many many others, and I got even more excited! Sure Henry Cavill may not have been my first pick to play Superman, but that wasn't a huge deal. Then I saw the movie. Then. I saw. The freaking movie. It may not be one of the worst movies of the year, but this is definitely the worst movie that Christopher Nolan has ever put his name on. However, as I thought about it, I realized that the character itself is just as much at fault as the crew is here. Sorry to you Superman fans, but he is an absolutely terrible hero. The fact that he is invincible with just one single weakness really removes the human identification that you may have with characters like Iron Man, Spider-Man, or Batman. That would be ok if Superman, like Thor, would have problems with his home planet or something. But guess what? Nope. His problems have to be here on earth. Where he's invincible. Other problems I have with the movie: Amy Adams tries really hard here, as always, but she and Cavill just have no chemistry whatsoever. I didn't buy their romance for one second. The movie also just didn't give them an adequate chance to have a romance. It just kind of happened. Another major problem? Superman spends his whole life honing his powers. Understandable. It's not an easy thing to do. But Michael Shannon (the villain) on the other hand? Who has the exact same issues Superman has when he gets to earth? Solves them in five minutes. WHAT? That's not.....just.... WHAT? This literally left me speechless. I could get creating some bull sh*t "orb" or something to explain Shannon doing everything that Superman did in 30 years in 5 minutes, but nope! He just concentrated really hard. Nailed it. It wasn't all bad though. The best part of this movie was in the first act between Superman and Costner's character. It's a wonderful story of how an adopted child of two worlds might feel on earth, and the way it resolves with Costner is heartbreaking and powerful. Were it not for this subplot, this would be one of the worst movies of 2013. Problem is, this story ends pretty early on in the movie and what we are left with is absolute garbage. With death and destruction everywhere. Now, a lot of fanboys are upset with all the talk surrounding the sequel, as Snyder does seem to have pretty much lost his mind in terms of making this thing, but you know what? I'm going to try to be neutral. I will only hope that the sequel is the "Strikes Back" of the series, as JonTron might say. Please be better, guys.....
2) (Almost) The Entire Children's Genre of 2013
Sigh....ok. Let's start this one by taking a look at the list for Best Animated Feature at the Oscars this year. Ready? Frozen. Ok. Everyone knew about that and knows that it is one of the best animated movies of recent years. Then....uh....Despicable Me 2? Ok. That one was really good mostly because they made the best part of that, the Minions, the main character. The Croods? Didn't see it, but I heard it got good reviews. Then uh.....wait, is that an anime movie? Ya. The Wind Rises is totally an anime movie. Good for it. But....let's take a moment to realize that it didn't even release in the US. Ya....and it has the next best odds of winning this Oscar after Frozen's 1-14. Not 14-1. No. 1-14. Wondering why the yearly Pixar movie, Monsters University, isn't on the list? Or Free Birds? Smurfs 2? Planes? Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2? Walking with Dinosaurs? Epic? Well, I'll tell you why: THEY ALL SUCKED ASS. Well maybe not Monsters University that one was ok, BUT THE REST SUCKED ASS. Now I know the children's genre is going to have its fair share of sh*tty movies. Most of them, like Planes, are corporate ploys meant to sell memorabilia and such in addition to selling the movie to kids, but seriously. Could you at least make the movies A LITTLE bit better???? PLEASE? Most of these movies weren't even good from a kids perspective! Epic's story made no sense from an adult's perspective, so how in the hell is a kid supposed to follow it??? YOU HAVE TO MAKE THE STORY AT LEAST SOMEWHAT APPEALING TO CHILDREN. Like even Despicable Me 2 or even Monsters University! Especially Monsters University. That movie was really aimed at the generation who grew up with Monsters Inc as one of their favorite children's movies. TEN YEARS FROM NOW, NO ONE IS GOING TO SAY, "OH YA BRO, FREE BIRDS WAS MY CHILDHOOD." Or literally any of those movies other than Frozen. That is LITERALLY the only children's movie that will be remembered ten years from now from 2013. Please, guys. Get it together and make something at least somewhat appealing. That's all you need in order to capture the hearts of children everywhere. Average. But nope! Can't even get that this year. Got crap. Crap, crap, crap, and look! More crap. At least 2014 has had the pleasant surprise that is The Lego Movie thus far. Hopefully there will be more to come.
1) Peter Jackson's Cash-Grabbing Hobbit Venture
Well, we come to it at last. I'm going to be completely honest with you: having an excuse to rant on this may have been almost the entire reason that I made this list in the first place. I just....I can't....AHHH. Ok. Let's break it down: I am something of a Tolkien purist. Actually, no. I'm not. I am not a purist. I just don't like the fact that Jackson and crew are essentially doing whatever the fuck they want with this franchise. Like that Tauriel character? Doesn't exist in the world of J.R.R. Tolkien. At all. I don't mind them creating a hot female to offset the sausage fest, and Evangeline Lilly does do quite a great job with the character, but when she starts having a major impact on the story? Like creating a love story between her and one of the 73 hobbits on this quest? That's where I do draw the line. And the story itself is SO DRAWN OUT. The entire Gandalf storyline for example? Completely unnecessary. Like that, virtually nothing happens for, well, most of the freaking movie. I kid you not: there is about one hour of content here drawn out to over THREE HOURS. Why is it three hours? Just because a Peter Jackson movie is supposed to be over three hours? Is that literally the only reason? I think so. I'm not ok with this being a cash-grab. LOTR is too good for that. Don't think it's a cash-grab? Jackson's taking a book that is shorter than any of the LOTR and drawing it into three movies. By that logic Return of the King should've been a saga all in its own. But was it? No. Sure he's including other stories in The Hobbit trilogy, but could you really see Return of the King (which, I might add, just might be my single favorite movie of all time) containing 9+ hours of film? No? Hey man, don't worry. Neither can I. THIS IS NOT OK. And what's worse is that we were left with a cliffhanger. A F*CKING CLIFFHANGER. Think for a second. All three LOTR and the first Hobbit.....at least most of the problems that they created in each individual movie were solved in each individual movie. But NOPE! Not here. I wish you guys could've seen me in the theater. (Shoutout to my niece and nephew for being the only two who actually were.) I knew we were reaching the end, and I just had to sit there for a moment to realize that Lord of the freaking Rings was actually stooping down to the level of leaving me with a f*cking cliffhanger. Why? TO SELL TICKETS FOR THE THIRD ONE, OBVIOUSLY. Gotta make dat dough bro! It's obvious that they are trying to make There and Back Again the Return of the King of this series, but up to this point, you could easily watch the upcoming third movie without watching the previous two, and not feel behind. At all. IT SHOULDN'T WORK LIKE THAT. You should....you should....YOU SHOULD FEEL LIKE YOU DIDN'T JUST WASTE YOUR TIME IN AN LOTR MOVIE. AHHHHHH. Ok I'm done. Seriously though. I used to respect Peter Jackson. Even when he decided that The Hobbit was going to be three movies instead of two. I was ok with it. But now? Shame on you, Peter Jackson. Shame. On. You. This movie was still enjoyable, (mostly) but I do expect LOTR to be, well, LOTR. You have to do better, man. You have to.
So that's it. I don't know how many people still feel as strongly as I do about The Hobbit 2, because there definitely were some positives. Like Smaug. That was fantastic. But....but....it's gotta be better. At least the finale should be alright. But, it's definitely going to be too little, too late. Oh well. Thanks for reading guys! Just got one more to go with these lists....
The Hobbit: http://images.bwwstatic.com/columnpic6/762D4C27-B59C-6DF0-15E658FE1043D3F8.jpg
Free Birds: http://oyster.ignimgs.com/wordpress/stg.ign.com/2013/10/freebirds_102913_1600.jpg
Man of Steel: http://www.digitaltrends.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Man-Of-Steel-Henry-Cavill-Kal_El-3.jpg
The Lone Ranger: http://images6.fanpop.com/image/photos/33000000/Lone-Ranger-New-Trailer-the-lone-ranger-33019980-1920-800.jpg
Adam Sandler: http://simonmernagh.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/sandler.jpg
So, I really like movies. You know this. I know this. As a result of me really liking movies, I decided to look at a few box office numbers and give some well-deserving movies that no one saw a chance to shine. So, without further ado, here are my best of the overlooked movies of 2013!
(All grossed under $25 million at the box office.)
5) About Time ($15 million) (Trailer)
I really struggled on which romantic comedy I should put on this list. There are quite a few good ones from this year that did not make a whole lot of money that were really good, (I obviously have a thing for romantic comedies) but in the end I decided on About Time. First off, how much you like this movie depends on your tolerance for Richard Curtis, director of Love Actually and Notting Hill. If you like either of the movies I just said, you will enjoy this. I love both of them, so I loved this. The romantic plot between Domhnall Gleeson and Rachel McAdams is wildly enjoyable and fun to watch, but what really got me and left me in tears at the end was the relationship between Gleeson's character and his father, played by Bill Nighy. The two have wonderful chemistry, and that story is integrated with the time traveling abilities beautifully. Oh ya. This movie has time travel. That's what separates it from other romantic comedies. Don't worry: you won't have to analyze the time travel used here all that much. The movie has a set of rules that it creates, and it follows them pretty well. A couple of times it did go off the rails pretty spectacularly, but it was so ridiculous that it was at the point that I was able to just be like, "Ok. That happened. Let's move on." And, as I said, this movie had me in tears at the end of the father-son story. That's exactly what this is supposed to do. The second-best date movie of the year, About Time is definitely one to show to your significant other. Oh by the way that trailer? Ya one of the best of the year. That may be in large part because they use the song Lakehouse by Of Monsters and Men, one of my favorite songs currently, but still....awesome trailer.
4) Inside Llewyn Davis ($12 million) (Trailer)
So this one might be a little biased given my history with music, but this really is a great character study on Llewyn Davis. Like Frances Ha, it's a story that follows one guy and a period of time in his life and we see the events unfold in front of us and how he reacts to said events. You want to like him. So badly. And yet, whenever he's about to be likable, he does something incredibly selfish. The Coen Brothers (past repertoire includes No Country for Old Men and The Big Lebowski) really do not treat their characters well in this movie. Almost everyone in this movie are jerks. Particularly Carey Mulligan! Geez....but Oscar Isaac is great as the lead, and really makes this into as compelling of a story as it is. Even though it has been completely overlooked by the Academy, it should definitely not be overlooked by those interested in the music industry. Oh, and while it's Greenwich Village Folk music, it is still wildly enjoyable music, even if you hate folk. You always have a recipe for success when the main song is a duet between Oscar Isaac and Marcus Mumford. Still kinda bummed that got overlooked for Best Original Song...
3) Frances Ha ($4 million) (Trailer)
Unanimously called the best indie movie of 2013 by movie critics, Frances Ha follows Frances and her daily struggles to just get by. It is a wonderfully told story, where, much like Inside Llewyn Davis, (next on this list SPOILER) nothing really happens. At all. Sure we see events in her life unfold throughout the 86 minute film, but there isn't exactly much of a story. The story is her life. And how she reacts to the events that occur in it. And you know what? I was completely ok with it. Frances is a great anti-hero. She mooches and mooches and doesn't express much in terms of gratitude, and yet....you can't help but root for her. When she decides to go to Paris (even though she can't afford it) and then sleeps through almost the entire weekend, you can't help but feel bad for her. After all, she didn't plan for the jet lag. It just happened. (Is that a spoiler? Well....not really. After all I didn't tell you why she went to Paris now did I?) But when these events happen, you are so drawn to them. That's where this movie really gets you. I will say that I don't really know why it was shot in black and white, but I forgot about it very quickly. Maybe they were going for an old-time feel? I don't know....I've noticed that a lot of indie films are shot in black and white (Nebraska, the Oscar indie film of 2013, is also shot in black and white) and while some of them I get the artistic reasoning behind it, definitely not here. Sorry guys. But don't let that discourage you! Seriously. It's short, so it's very quickly paced, but there's definitely enough to keep you entertained from start to finish.
2) Mud ($21 million) (Trailer)
Initially my number one on this list, I have been talking about how great this movie is for a while now. Definitely one of the most forgotten movies of the summer, Mud continues the incredible McConaissance that has been happing in the movies over the last year or so. (Which culminated in an Oscar-worthy performance in Dallas Buyers Club) But, I did enough praising of McConaughey in my Best Acting Performances list, so I'm not going to talk about this. Instead, I'm going to talk about everything else. Mud was a great character, but he was also surrounded by other great performances too. First off, the freaking kids here are amazing. So down to earth and so believable, they go toe-to-toe with Mud and almost ALMOST out-act him. But one thing that this movie did right to really lend to the believability of these kids was that everyone else in the movie, as in all of the adults, treated the kids like fellow adults. It's totally unrealistic to me to have kids behave exactly like adults and then have no one around them treat them as such. Oh look I'm 14 and ride a motorcycle around town yet my dad is going to still baby-talking me. NO! Bad movie. But fortunately, Mud does no such thing. Then there's the rest of the cast. Reese Witherspoon is not the most believable of characters, but the fact that her character is not well-written may be the single biggest fault of the entire movie. However, everyone else is great! Sam Shepard plays a great down-to-earth southerner that helps out Mud and the crew in their time of need. And Michael Shannon puts in a better performance here than he did in freaking Man of Steel! All of it comes together for a very down-to-earth and homey southern story. That no one saw or cared to think about because of the fact that Matthew McConaughey was in it. If you want a good ol' fashion story about family and survival in the deep south, go see Mud. Definitely worth 130 minutes of your time.
1) All Is Lost ($6 million) (Trailer)
A miraculous tale of courage and determination, All Is Lost has an incredibly simple and yet powerful premise: a nameless man stares death in the face. For 106 gripping minutes, we watch our man fight for his life and do everything he can to survive. Nothing goes right for him, yet his determination and sheer will drives him. He says about 7 words the entire movie, and yet by the end you are rooting for him just as much as you would any other character. Robert Redford. One of the greatest actors ever, Redford is asked to create an entirely identifiable character in this movie using only his facial expressions. That's it. And he absolutely nails it. The fact that this man missed out on even just a nomination for an Oscar is absolutely tragic. The real problem facing this movie is the fact that it's coming out the same year as Gravity. While All Is Lost and Gravity are both in the survival genre, they tell their stories very differently. For one, Bullock (who was nominated for an Oscar, by the way) is given the crutch of being able to say things from time to time, whereas Redford is not given such a luxury. Both of these movies are must-sees, and are definitely worth a watch from 2013. Oh and by the way, Gravity has grossed over $266 million and All is Lost has grossed a measly $6 million. Sure Gravity is more about the visual experience than the story, but I would definitely say the story of All Is Lost, survivalistically (that wasn't a word until now!) speaking, is better. If you liked Gravity, or just like the survival genre as a whole, you will absolutely love this as well.
Honorable mentions (In no particular order)
Fruitvale Station ($16 million)
Wonderfully told and beautifully tragic, Fruitvale Station will end up being the movie that made Michael B. Jordan's career.
Don Jon ($24 million)
A solid directing debut from Joseph Gordon-Levitt also staring a provocative Scarlett Johansson, Don Jon is a gripping romantic comedy with a lot of quirky directoral notions from JGL. If you like him, or his hitRECord project, you have to check this out.
The Spectacular Now ($6 million)
An inspiring high school romantic comedy with the bro and the nerd. Fun, gripping, and beautiful, this is worth a watch if you loved Perks of Being a Wallflower.
Blackfish ($2 million)
THE most controversial documentary of the year, Blackfish goes all-out in exposing the horrors (?) of Sea World and how they treat their animals and their trainers. Worth a watch if you care about that sort of thing. Even though it is pretty over-the-top.
You're Next ($18 million)
A refreshingly original hack 'n' slash movie. Wait, when was the last time we saw one of these?
All is Lost: http://www.ropeofsilicon.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/all-is-lost-clip-05222013-170437.jpg
Frances Ha: http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Guardian/Pix/audio/video/2013/7/22/1374485894612/Mickey-Sumner-and-Greta-G-001.jpg
You're Next: http://8th-circuit.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/500x262/youre-next.jpg
About Time: http://www.connectsavannah.com/binary/1e7e/AboutTime-conversation1.jpg
The Spectacular Now: http://cdn1.walkerartcenter.org/static/cache/82/82be1a35bdd197cdb228bea4120f7e72.jpg
Fruitvale Station: http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/screencrush.com/files/2013/05/fruitvale.jpg
Don Jon: http://static.rogerebert.com/uploads/review/primary_image/reviews/don-jon-2013/hero_DonJon-2013-1.jpg
Inside Llewyn Davis: http://cache.reelz.com/assets/content/repFrame/71132/inside-llewyn-davis-trailer-01.jpg
Sigh.....I've been dreading this list for quite some time. 2013 was a great year for movies. Honestly one of the better years of recent memory. However, it wasn't without its fair share of HORRIBLE movies too. From the ones that we hoped would be good to the ones that were just terrible from start to finish, some in 2013 just felt the need to make a few movies that we would come out of realizing that no matter how hard we try, we were never going to get the last 2 hours back. So, without further ado, here are my worst movies of 2013. Are you ready for some ranting?
10) The Fifth Estate (Trailer)
A lot of people might disagree with this one. But there are a lot of problems with this movie. A lot. Holy crap a lot. First off, you are supposed to identify and support Benedict Cumberbatch's character, WikiLeaks creator Julian Assange. Even at the end of the movie after he puts many innocent lives in danger in order to pad his own ego. Yep! You're still supposed to identify with him and support even then! It just doesn't work. Plain and simple. Here's the next thing that makes this movie terrible: they manage to make a movie with some incredibly fascinating source material, including one of the biggest government leaks in US history, and they just make it incredibly dull and overlong and just....well....not interesting.Typing montage after typing montage after typing montage. Hey! Let's go to another exotic location just to go in some random building and have another typing montage! That's the foundation of a good movie right? And when someone comes in and asks what we are doing, let's dramatically lower our computer screen and play innocent! It's just so so stupid. And the dream sequences to make the computer illiterate understand what Daniel Bruhl's character is doing to Cumberbatch within the company? The website as an office metaphor? Remember those? Absolutely atrocious. Pro tip guys: the computer illiterate are probably not going to watch this movie. The computer illiterate probably have no idea that WikiLeaks even exists. So, don't put a stupid dream sequence that is completely unnecessary for the rest of us just to try to have the computer illiterate keep up. STOP. Alright that was a good start.....this is going to only get worse.....
My Number: 2.5/10
9) The Lone Ranger (Trailer)
Don't worry haters! The Lone Ranger still made the list, despite having one of the most enjoyable movie moments of 2013. So I'm not going to talk about the moment where The Lone Ranger finally became The Lone freaking Ranger for 3 minutes, rather, I'm going to talk about the other 145 minutes of this film. Seriously? 145 minutes? A HUNDRED AND FORTY FIVE MINUTES? Sorry. Forgot how LONG this movie is. Damnit! Anyway....so let's start with the big chase sequence at the end. Let's start with the trains. The WHOLE movie you have convicts and slaves and just hundreds of people all working on ONE set of train tracks. Then in the big chase sequence all the sudden there's TWO trains! And TWO sets of tracks! And they are going on top of each other and underneath each other, and you don't know where anything is or what the hell is even happening, and I'm just sitting there like.....what? It's so bloated and discombobulating and ridiculous! That's just the ending. And at one point the Lone Ranger is like, "We gotta go back and get the silver!" And I'm like, "Wait, we're supposed to care about the silver? What?" That doesn't even begin to talk about how the other 2 hours of this film are just terrible! It's a Lone Ranger origin story where you don't really care about any of the characters or their origin. Not to mention the part where all throughout the movie it cuts to a 1936/really old Tonto aka Johnny Depp with lots of makeup on telling the whole story to some little kid at a festival. Doesn't that sound like something you want to be reminded of 15 times in a movie? Yes? NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT. It's an absolutely terrible way to get exposition out. You want to have one of the main characters tell the audience the story as they are watching it? Do it like The Sandlot did: see 1936 Tonto briefly then have him tell the story from start to finish and cut to him again at the very end for a cool moment. Did you see that? I just made a better narrative story than The Lone Ranger did by ripping off The Sandlot! They should pay me the big bucks. Let's go into acting for a minute, guys. I love Armie Hammer. He's one of the best up-and-comers Hollywood has to offer. His work in The Social Network and even J. Edger was fantastic and memorable. But here? Not even he can save this train wreck. (See what I did there? No? Good.) And Johnny Depp.....can I just say that, as good as Depp is, he's played practically the same f*cking character since Edward Scissorhands? Well, like it or not, I'm saying it. Every character he plays, it's always about, "Look at me! Look at how odd I am. I can't keep my balance. Doesn't that make me so weird?" He doesn't branch out at ALL. Is it a bad thing? No. But in a terrible movie such as this, being reminded that Depp is playing the same character again just adds to the misery. And the crybaby responses Jerry Bruckheimer and Disney made when this movie turned into the biggest flop of 2013 was incredibly unprofessional. Here's a fun fact and how you knew this movie was going to be a flop: the top grossing Western of all time is Dances with Wolves, grossing $180 million at the box office. That means The Lone Ranger would've had to have made that much money plus ANOTHER $40 million JUST TO MAKE BACK ITS BUDGET. Fail guys. Massive fail. 10/10 in that department. Onto bigger and better things? No...not really....
My Number: 2.5/10
8) Identity Thief (Trailer)
I could probably fill this list the awful comedies of 2013. Movies like The Internship, Delivery Man, (lol Vince Vaughn's career) Movie 43, and Scary Movie V, all deserve spots on this list. But I've decided to only include three. Melissa McCarthy and Jason Bateman are working together on a movie. Wow! That should be good right? After all The Heat is probably the second-best comedy of 2013 and it's up there primarily because of the skills of McCarthy. Almost every movie she's done is absolutely hilarious, and yet the director and the writers in this movie just absolutely refused to let her be herself! They chose the politically correct decision to make Melissa McCarthy a woman in this movie, not a deliciously evil villain. There's nothing wrong with this by any means, but in this movie McCarthy is being her typical badass self for like 20 minutes and then is forced to be sad and upset and crying over how awful her life is! Really? C'mon guys. That's what I mean by making the politically correct decision. Not to mention the part where the movie is almost 2 hours long. As in WAY TO LONG. Personally I liked Due Date, another not-so-good cross-country movie. I thought the chemistry between Galifanakis and RDJ was hilarious. But Bateman and McCarthy chemistry? HA! That's a better joke than anything in this movie! The plot is shallow as hell, and let's not forget the part where they are heading from Florida to Colorado, and it takes them 90 minutes to get to St. Louis, and then the movie's like, "Lol! We're done." Seriously they go from St. Louis to Colorado in like a minute and then the movie ends. All of this could be forgiven if ANY of the jokes in this movie were funny. Besides for the few moments where Melissa McCarthy tries to be herself, this movie is not funny in any way, shape, or form. It's also one of the top-grossing comedies of 2013. Remember that? Now do you remember anything about it? No? Ok. Moving on.
My Number: 2.5/10
7) Getaway (Trailer)
Lol this movie. Just.....lol. It and Paranoia get the "What the hell were you thinking?" Awards of this list. So much stupid, guys. So much stupid. Let's explore it a little, shall we? So, first of all, the acting sucked. Well, everything sucked, but trying to believe that Selena Gomez is a teenage super-hacker with an iPad is just flat out comical. She tries, but similarly to Justin Timberlake in Runner Runner, she just can't get there. But let's talk about where this movie really sucks. Yes it's a dumb action movie with cars. I get that. So what is it that you have to look forward to in a dumb action movie with cars? The cars? RIGHT ANSWER. This movie can't even get that right! All the chase scenes (most of which make no sense as is...they just happen) are impossible to follow. And there are very few wideshots of the cars to show them off. It's ridiculous! All we see are very close and uncomfortable close-ups all throughout the movie. And the things that Ethan Hawke is asked to do is ridiculous. "Go, drive into this park. Find this person. They will give you something." SO FREAKING DRAMATIC. And we'll be going along our daily routine and then BAM! COPS EVERYWHERE. CHASE SCENE. No buildup. Just. RANDOM CHASE SCENE. ALL THE TIME. The big controversy with this movie is the fact that supposedly they crashed real cars. That would look really cool....if they could actually show the crashes well! Half of them look like terrible CGI anyway! You guys really threw this one to the dogs. Kudos.
My Number: 2/10
6) After Earth (Trailer)
A for effort on this one. The official...ready for this name? Will-Smith-puts-his-son-in-a-starring-role movie stars Will and Jaden Smith, though as I said this movie was almost exclusively Jaden Smith, with father Will mostly shouting orders from a command center. Jaden Smith....bless his heart, but God is he terrible. In his defense he's asked to play a role that only the best of the best in Hollywood might (keyword: might) be able to pull off, being alone for most of the movie and having to react to essentially nothing from an acting standpoint, but it's still really tough to watch. The real fault of this movie, however, belongs with its creator. It's amazing how the word has gotten around that M. Night Shymalan movies are essentially a death sentence for those who star in it, even when the production company behind it puts a lot of money into trying to hide this fact. Guys, M. Night Shymalan sucks. He is quite literally the SECOND-worst director in Hollywood right now. It is PAINFUL. And honestly, I do dread when it comes time to see his movies more than the worst director in Hollywood, Dennis Dugan (Adam Sandler's director) because at least with the latest Adam Sandler movie, I can have a hope that MAYBE it will have a few laughs. When I go into an M. Night Shymalan movie, I know I am in for an excruciating two hours. Well....but he's up to his typical antics here, with naming things all these big exotic names that you can't remember and trying to over-"immerse" you into the world he makes. He asks too much of his actors, and he drives the movie straight into the ground in spectacular fashion. He must realize that his formula doesn't work, and yet he keeps doing it! What? M. Night Shymalan: STOP MAKING MOVIES. NOW. PLEASE.
My Number: 2/10
5) G.I. Joe 2: Retaliation (Trailer)
Why. Why does this movie exist? It wasn't even a cash-grab! After all, the first one did not make back its budget in the states. IT DIDN'T MAKE BACK ITS OWN FREAKING BUDGET. Sure, the ending of the original made it clear that they were going for a sequel, but who really wanted one? After all the movie sucked. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in the original. Can we just take a moment to remember that that was a thing? Not to mention the part where Channing Tatum was in it. Or Dennis Quaid. Well...let's see....how do you make a good sequel? By killing off literally everyone from the original besides Jonathan Pryce? Ya. Nailed it guys. Nailed it. Seriously, I knew I was in for a diarrhea-like experience when literally EVERYONE FROM THE ORIGINAL DIES WITHIN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES. Oh am I spoiling? Oh did you care about the sequel to the hit 2009 summer blockbuster? Didn't think so. Seriously though. After everyone dies, we are left with Dwayne Johnson. Yep. Dwayne Johnson. And Bruce Willis later! Because that performance wasn't phoned-in at all. No I swear you can really tell Bruce Willis is trying in this movie. Trying to get off the set, that is. (Drops microphone) Poor CGI, terrible acting, and a ridiculously stupid plot make this movie stupid even within the category of stupid action movies. At least the original had that pretty awesome Paris chase scene in the super suits. You know with Channing Tatum and that other guy avoiding the missiles in slow motion? Remember that? That was pretty cool. This movie has Dwayne Johnson carrying around a mounted machine gun. Ya. I'm just going to move on with my life. Go watch Fast and Furious 6 or White House Down if you want to watch a good stupid action movie from 2013. At least those movies are wildly enjoyable.
My Number: 2/10
4) Red 2 (Trailer)
Red 2.....the much-anticipated and needed sequel to Red. Wait, Red needed a sequel??? What unanswered questions were left after Red? I mean at least with G.I. Joe 2 there was a pretty big cliffhanger that set up that sequel. This was just....the very definition of a cash-grab. Do you not believe me? Then watch how excited Bruce Willis is to sell the film. That interview is painful to watch. And poor Mary-Louise Parker....she's trying so hard to have fun. But Bruce Willis is just absolutely ruining her day. Honestly that 5 minute interview is probably more entertaining than the actual film. Anyway, this movie can definitely be called the action equivalent of Grown Ups 2. It is just so incredibly lazy! So lazy it's insulting. The first ten minutes the movie shows potential. Then it falls into every action clique it possibly can. Here's one: so, the bad guys have giant machine guns that can rip apart cars. (Even though simultaneously a wooden table stops those same bullets right in their tracks.) Ok. So the main bad guy has this huge machine gun and is shooting at our "heroes" who are hiding behind cars. The machine guns are clearly destroying the cars, as I said. So the good guys duck down to avoid the gun fire. Obviously. All the main bad guy has to do in this instance is shoot the tires and everybody's dead! Like.....duh? This happens a few times too if my memory holds true. I know it's based off a graphic novel, but still. Like at least Shoot 'Em Up was a parody of itself and acknowledged the fact that it was ridiculous and unbelievable. (In terms of the bad guys aim being equivalent to that of a stormtrooper.) This movie tries to have an actual serious plot coupled with ridiculous one-liners that are like the modern version of "Why I outta!!" So stupid. And you don't care about the plot, and no one is even remotely interesting. And there are no laughs. At least the first one had some good interplay between Bruce Willis and Karl Urban. And Mary-Louise Parker had an interesting backstory. But not here! It's just your standard shoot 'em up without any laughs or excitement.
My Number: 1.5/10
3) The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (Trailer)
The fact that this movie was terrible makes me really really sad. Unlike many of the movies on this list, I actually had some pretty high hopes for this one. I love Steve Carrell. Brick Tamland might be my favorite member of the Anchorman crew. Not to mention Michael Scott. I love Steve Buscemi. Seriously. Buscemi was the funniest part of Armageddon, and he is maniacal and diabolical in Boardwalk Empire. Jim Carrey is hilarious, and Olivia Wilde is one of my current favorite female actors. And gorgeous. Yet everyone besides her is phoning it in. There is virtually no effort made by anyone else, as Steve Carrell basically plays a very slow-talking Michael Scott. Without any of the likable qualities. That was another problem: Carrell's character, the star of the movie, is not even remotely likable. Not even a little bit. And then he suddenly redeems himself towards the end. Out of the blue. Which I obviously didn't buy for a second. Buscemi's character leaves the movie for basically the entire second act, and other members of the supporting cast, including Alan Arkin and the late great JAMES GANDOLFINI are also basically non-existent. James Gandolfini is in this, guys. I feel bad just saying that. Despite everything I've mentioned, this could all be forgiven (like Identity Thief) if the movie was funny. It's not. Alan Arkin has the funniest moment of the damn thing and he does it visually. Everyone here is just playing ridiculous and unbelievable characters, and any sense of realism is gone when the movie goes between having it all and having nothing at all. As in Carrell is either selling out a Vegas stage or working in a nursing home. That's the difference between playing in the MLB and playing in a slow-pitch softball league. There are several divisions in between them, obviously. But nope, nothing's ever mentioned on those lines: it's either headlining the MGM Grand or working at Burt's Nursing Home. A ridiculous story without any laughs. Go home guys. You're ALL drunk.
My Number: 1.5/10
2) Paranoia (Trailer)
First of all, if you are still here, I salute you. Second, if you scrolled down just to see what my top two were, welcome to the party! Hahaha Paranioa. So many lols. And not the good kind. This is officially the most incompetent movie of 2013. Similar to Getaway, Paranoia immediately digs itself into a hole when it tries to convince you that someone as good-looking as Liam Hemsworth is a computer/tech genius! Ya....no. The movie only gets worse, not better. Harrison Ford and Gary Oldman, the "calling cards" of this travesty, are clearly phoning it in for a paycheck on this one. Though I will give Harrison Ford credit for going bald to play the role. That's seriously the best part of the movie. Oh, and you know the part where these two guys should have many scenes where they face off against each other with a lot of tension and action backing it up somehow? Since they are at the heads of two competing tech companies? Well, they have two. Two scenes together. Sure it's the two best scenes of the movie, but that is damning with feint praise. This movie has no tension behind it whatsoever, with so many ridiculous things happening to advance the terribly incoherent plot. Here I'll give you a few examples: so the FBI shows up and bugs/puts cameras in Hemsworth's apartment. Ok so that happens. Why? Um....who cares. Then the FBI calls him and tells him to do various things, and during the course of the conversation, they inexplicably tell Liam Hemsworth that they can see him. So that then he can go around and tear up his apartment looking for the cameras and bugs because he knows they are watching him. They needed to spy on him, so why on earth would they tell Hemsworth that they can see him???? Oh I'm not done. Then, a day or two later, when the FBI's plan doesn't work, they want to kill him. Because that's what the FBI does. Anyway, they want to kill him. And the main FBI agent shows up at Hemsworth's apartment and confronts him in his garage. The FBI agent proceeds to take out his gun, open his car's trunk (which has the plastic that you see in every movie where there's going to be a dead body in the trunk) and tells Hemsworth to get in the trunk. NO ONE IS GOING TO GET IN THAT TRUNK! Ya sure! Let me just hop in the trunk covered in plastic. You aren't going to kill me right? It is mind-numbingly dumb and has to be seen to be believed. There are plenty more idiocies in this movie, but Ben Mankowitz actually took the time to describe those two acts bits of stupidity so I stole them so I wouldn't have to re-watch this disaster. But this is why you don't feel any tension! So many movie mistakes made here just to advance the "plot." I don't mind Liam Hemsworth in The Hunger Games. He's not half-bad actually. But boy is he, and everyone else involved, absolutely terrible in this. Avoid like the plague. Actually this might be so stupid it's funny. Oh and girls? Liam Hemsworth is magically shirtless most of the time here. YA! HOT GUYS WITHOUT SHIRTS. That's literally all this movie has to offer. You ready for me to lose my mind? Well, let's get to number 1, shall we?
My Number: 1/10
1) Grown Ups 2 (Featurette-Just for the lolz)
We come to it at last. The worst movie of 2013. Ready for one hell of a rant? Let me start with this: Adam Sandler needs to go f*ck himself. Seriously. He is without a doubt the worst thing in Hollywood right now, and while everyone in the business knows that he is, he still gets massive budgets from Sony to make these movies that cost nothing (and have a buttload of product placements too) and is making out like a bandit on them. And all these recognizable comedians want a piece. Understandably so, as guys that are on the tail-end of their careers, like Kevin James, David Spade, and Chris Rock, all have prominent roles in this. And need to make as much money as possible. But here's a big warning sign in this movie: when Rob Schneider refuses to reprise the role he played in the original Grown Ups, you know something's wrong. But then people like Maya Rudolph and Salma Hayek are prominent too! WHY? The cameos are stupid, with the exception of Taylor Lautner. His appearance with his frat boys and all the chest-bumping (parodying bros) is not just the funniest part in the movie, it is the ONLY time I ever laughed.
I'm breaking this up because it is such a long rant. Seriously. Who thinks the scene where the deer pisses on them in the morning is funny? HOW IS THAT FUNNY? Poor Andy Sam-you know what? No. Shame on you, Andy Samberg, for showing up in this piece of shit. Your scene almost made me cry out of sadness. You should've learned your lesson in That's My Boy but here The Lonely Island shows up for a car wash scene that was all over the place in the trailers. In a good movie, this car wash scene with a bunch of guys would be a really smart and sharp satire on what we ask woman to do when they are objectifying themselves in movies, but not here! Here it's just a freaking gay panic scene. With Andy Samberg. YOU F*CKED IT UP, GUYS.
More breaking up. So let's talk about the plot. I JUST MADE A JOKE FUNNIER THAN ANY MOMENT IN THIS MOVIE. Associating Grown Ups 2 with plot. Ha! Anyway, in terms of what actually happens, this movie can't even figure out who it's aimed for! First off, there are so many bathroom jokes and fart jokes that this movie would appear to be targeted at 14-year old boys. Fair enough. But then, there's a massive party scene with a lot of random boobs that goes more for college-age adult comedy, (remember Project X?) but then, as if that's not enough, the entire third act is an 80s reference, which neither of those previous two categories would care all that much about! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SENSE OF IDENTITY, GROWN UPS 2. YOU ARE LITERALLY A WASTE OF SPACE AND TIME. And the worst part? They get these massive budgets because THEY ARE STILL MAKING MONEY. How? How are these things not flops? This movie made over $130 million at the box office. That's 20th on the list of 2013 movies up to this point. Off of an $80 million budget. The movie is shot in all backlots and probably cost almost nothing before f*cking Dennis Dugon, who directs all these shitty Adam Sandler movies, and Sandler and his bros make out like bandits with most of it. Not to mention the gratuitous amounts of product placements. K-Marts everywhere. Seriously. All these guys did was show up on Backlot A for 5 weeks and make a movie. And it made $130 million! If you find this movie funny, you're a bad person. I say that as kindly as possible, but you're a bad person. Referential jokes alone are not funny, guys. You should not be able to make an entire movie like an episode of just shitty Family Guy cutaways. And that's not even mentioning the objectification of women in this movie, which is just downright offensive. And the stupid homily (in every Adam Sandler movie) about how family is important! And we're just going to shove that down your throat when it comes time! This movie was made by people who look down on us as the audience. There was no effort put into this at all, and they could give two shits about whether this is a good movie or not. You know what's worse? THIS HAS BEEN HAPPENING FOR YEARS. The first Grown Ups was awful. Jack and Jill was painful. That's My Boy was embarrassing. And yet these movies are STILL making money! F*ck guys! This movie is easily the worst movie Adam Sandler has ever crapped up. And that is saying something. Well done, man. You have easily earned the title of Enter the Movie's Worst Movie of 2013. As the late Philip Seymour Hoffman might say, "GO F*CK YOURSELF, YOU F*CKING CHILD." I'm done here. (Fades into the sunset)
My Number: 0.5/10 Taylor Lautner got them that 0.5 of a point. All him.
Couple deep breaths......couple heart pills.....done. Let's throw a few more movies to the wolves, shall we?
(Dis)Honorable Mentions (In no particular order)
A horrible attempt to showcase the rise of the punk rock scene. Terrible performances from the cast of Harry Potter and Foo Fighters own Taylor Hawkins make this one music movie to avoid. Go see Inside Llewyn Davis instead.
The Great Gatsby
Leo was pretty eccentric here, but everything else about the movie was terrible. Biggest fault? Making Tobey Maguire your narrater. I know his character is the narrater in the book, but after hearing Leo narrate Wolf of Wall Street, you guys should've changed that....
When your bio pic's lead is absolutely terrible, you are going to fail spectacularly. Still waiting on a good Steve Jobs bio pic, Hollywood.
Olympus Has Fallen
A stupid action movie that doesn't realize it's a stupid action movie. Taking yourself seriously is a recipe for disaster in that category.
While Ben Affleck does everything he can to make this movie enjoyable, not even he can save this train wreck. A valiant effort, but hearing Justin Timberlake talk computer code is just funny. No payoff, guys.
Grown-Ups 2: http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/Sq5CIH0duMk/maxresdefault.jpg
Red 2: http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/18ub30r4mg0ahjpg/k-bigpic.jpg
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone: http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/screencrush.com/files/2013/03/burt.jpg
G.I. Joe 2: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/sites/default/files/2012/04/g_i_joe_retaliation_tatum_johnson.jpg
Identity Thief: http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/sites/default/files/2013/02/identity_thief_film_still_a_l.jpg
After Earth: http://www.atlantablackstar.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/after-earth-a.jpg
The Lone Ranger: http://flavorwire.files.wordpress.com/2013/07/lone-ranger-still.jpg
The Fifth Estate: http://www.showfilmfirst.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/thefifthestate_winninganinformationwar.jpg
On February 2, 2014, Hollywood became a little less colorful. We lost a man who for years had stood as a beacon to those suffering from alcohol and substance abuse. A man who struggled all his life and has relapsed at various points finally succumbed to the dangers of heroine. I don't even know what to say about this. I have always respected him for being extremely open about his drug issues: a very telling story on 60 Minutes in 2006 was the perfect example of how open he really was. From his openness on his life to his incredibly positive reputation in Hollywood, everyone loved Mr. Hoffman. The amount of celebrity outpouring and support over this sudden departure just shows how loved this man was in the business. Now obviously I have never had the privilege of meeting this great actor. However, I have watched several of his movies. Let's go back to the beginning there, yes?
The first movie I ever saw with Mr. Hoffman was none other than Twister. Remember that movie? One of my favorites from my childhood, I look back and I simply cannot believe that he was in that movie! I actually forgot about it for several years. He played Dustin, one of the members (probably the head) of Bill Paxton's storm chasing brigade. While the movie is certainly not the best, his role is quite good, despite the fact that he has very little material to show off his considerable acting chops. He continued building his repertoire and then appeared in The Talented Mr. Ripley. I reviewed this movie a few months back, as it is without a doubt my favorite performance from Matt Damon ever. However, the movie also has an incredibly strong supporting cast, led by none other than Mr. Hoffman. I think he got the short end of the stick here because this is Matt Damon's movie, but his character did wreck havoc on the talented Mr. Ripley. The role that took Hoffman out of the indie world and right into the limelight of Hollywood, however, was his unforgettable performance in Capote back in 2005. This role, earning him his single Oscar win for Best Actor, was an indescribably tough one to pull off, and he did it masterfully. Now squarely in the mainstream, Mr. Hoffman continued to strengthen his incredible resume, putting in truly remarkable performances in Mission Impossible III, (he was far and away the best part of the movie) The Savages, Moneyball, Pirate Radio, The Invention of Lying, The Master, and even The Hunger Games: Catching Fire. It took me about 3 minutes for his character to immediately become my favorite part of that series. No kidding. However the role that I personally will never forget with him is Charlie Wilson's War. He took Aaron Sorkin's fantastic dialogue and delivered a performance that to this day is easily in my top 10 all-time best acting performances. I was saying that long before he died. Additionally, his character's introduction in that movie is my favorite character introduction ever. Don't know what I'm talking about? Watch this. (Warning: expletives) It's all about Mr. Hoffman, guys. Even in a movie with actors like Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts, it's all about Philip Seymour Hoffman.
I could go on and on about his movies. Along Came Polly. The Big Lebowski. Almost Famous. Magnolia. Flawless. All movies that are made infinitely better by Mr. Hoffman's presence. However I need to take a moment to mention the incredibly successful career Mr. Hoffman had in the New York Theater scene. Unlike many A-list actors, Mr. Hoffman continued to work on the stage all the way up to 2012, when he starred in a revival of "Death of a Salesman" along with up-and-coming actor Andrew Garfield, who could not stop talking about how much of an honor it was to work along side him. Mr. Hoffman was greatly respected by those he worked with and was described, according to an article from the LA Times, as a man who sometimes inhabited the roles he played [in the theater] to an extreme and troubling degree. Never afraid to take risks, Mr. Hoffman played these roles to the best of his considerable talent, despite occasionally being simultaneously involved in various movie projects.The man could do anything.
Truly one of the great actors of the last twenty years, the loss of Mr. Hoffman leaves a huge hole in the world of Hollywood. No one can perform some of the roles he has performed. Capote fails if anyone other than him leads it. Charlie Wilson's War would not have been one of Sorkin's best movies were it not for him. Moneyball would've been missing a lot of color and flair were it not for him. But you are never out of rehab when you have a history of drug abuse. I hope his tragedy serves as a deterrent to those that consider picking up a needle. One thing's for sure: Mockingjay Part 2 will almost certainly leave me in tears after his final scene. Farewell, Mr. Hoffman. You will be forever missed. And hey! Maybe now Truman Capote can give him a critique of how you did playing him. I have a feeling a lot of positive words will be thrown around in that conversation. Rest in piece, Mr. Hoffman. Rest in peace.
Quick Note on The Hunger Games:
The crew over at The Hunger Games have vowed that they will honor his legacy and not remove him from the final two films. He had 7 days left of shooting for Mockingjay Part 2 when he passed.
Character Shot: http://www.redcarpetcrash.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Philip.jpg
The Talented Mr. Ripley: http://www2.shrani.si/files/clipboar567145.png
Catching Fire: http://turntherightcorner.files.wordpress.com/2013/04/the-hunger-games-catching-fire-teaser-trailer-philip-seymour-hoffman.jpg%3Fw%3D1024
Charlie Wilson's War: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-aReCNtF2yuw/TyUyGqgsVJI/AAAAAAAAGiw/a5qLvV64qHw/s1600/CWW%2BPSH.bmp
Along Came Polly:http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMTU0NDU3NDI2OV5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwMTI4NTY3._V1_SX640_SY720_.jpg
The Big Lebowski: http://www.julienslive.com/images/lot/6284/62849_0.jpg
Funny Pic: http://www.wallpapersfunny.com/wallpapers/philip-seymour-hoffman-6-funny-wallpaper-1600x1200.jpg
LA Times Article: http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/arts/culture/la-et-cm-philip-seymour-hoffman-dead-theater-reaction-20140202,0,6128034.story#axzz2sEewNB5q
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