Jupiter Ascending (2015): In a bright and colorful future, a young destitute caretaker gets targeted by a ruthless son of a powerful family that live on a planet in need of a new heir, so she travels with a genetically engineered warrior to the planet in order to stop his tyrant reign.
EDDIE REDMAYNE ANGRY. EDDIE REDMAYNE SCREAM. Can that just be my review of this movie? I think that photo captures the best part of the movie. Eddie Redmayne embodying Nicholas Cage by either whispering every bit of dialogue or YELLLLLLLING IT AHHHHHH. I AM EDDIE REDMAYNE AND I WANT TO DESTROY THE WORLD. Seriously, laugh at me guys, for I just made a more entertaining moment for you than this ENTIRE movie does. Yup. Jupiter Ascending is the Wachowski's latest attempt at following up The Matrix. And it's their worst film yet. Easily. With their three follow-up films in Speed Racer, Cloud Atlas, and Jupiter Ascending, the Wachowskis basically throw everything against the wall. Particularly Cloud Atlas and Jupiter Ascending. While Cloud Atlas you can really get behind their attempt to do so, and kind of admire it, here it's just.....no. This movie sucks, guys. So let's jump into it, yes?
I WANT TO YELL NOW FOR NO REASON. And now I shall whisper. About acting. Ok do you realize that I don't really want to talk about this movie yet? No? Oh. Well.....Can we go into why the hell Mila Kunis would give up doing Ted 2 in order to do this? Cause she did. Look, I'm not saying Ted 2 is going to be some masterpiece. I mean Seth MacFarlane's recent track record is not exactly stellar. But in Jupiter Ascending you can tell with these actors that they don't want to be on set. Channing Tatum looks absolutely MISERABLE for most of this movie, and Sean Bean is just begging the movie to kill him from the moment you first see him. (See what I did there?) The only one who is having any semblance of fun is Eddie Redmayne. The (slightly undeserving) favorite to win Best Actor at the Oscars this year has followed up his performance in The Theory of Everything with a Nicholas Cage-inspired villain in Jupiter Ascending. His character was about the only thing that was entertaining throughout this 127 minute catastrophe. There are a few other actors that show up in this movie, but I could hardly keep track of any of them. Just a very confused Mila Kunis, a miserable Channing Tatum, an awkward Sean Bean, and a screen-chewing Eddie Redmayne. That's it.
I don't even really know what to talk about with this film or why it's just bad. Ok. I guess I can try by starting with the fact that the budget for this film was $175 million. Yup. $175 million. What do we get for that much money? Well, we do get a relatively good-looking film. The sets are pretty nice. And.....that's about it. The cinematography sucks. The makeup is laughable (Channing Tatum looks ridiculous, and the giant lizards look worse than The Amazing Spider-Man 1's horrible-looking lizard) and the score is virtually non-existent. All of this is in stark contrast to Cloud Atlas. I mean say what you want about that story, but the film looked gorgeous, and the Wachowski way of filming things was present and very welcome. Cloud Atlas even offered one of my favorite scores in a film of that year, with its Cloud Atlas sextet leading the way. I still listen to that song regularly. But none of that is here in Jupiter Ascending. And, because the film is nowhere near as grounded as Cloud Atlas, we get a lot of exposition to try to help us understand what's going on. And the exposition makes no sense. In other words, the whole backstory to Jupiter Ascending was totally illogical and sill. This is the biggest fault you can possibly have with a sci-fi film. If you are going to create a new universe, this universe must be explained and understood. Jupiter Ascending utterly fails on this level. Totally and utterly fails.
So, at the end of the day, you have a disaster of a film, with very little to offer other than Eddie Redmayne. And trust me, I was sad when Eddie Redmayne disappeared from the screen for about 45 minutes halfway through the film for no reason. Don't go see this movie, guys. I can't believe I'm about to say this, but let it bomb. Hopefully this'll make Warner Brothers think twice before handing the Wachowskis a blank check again. I believe these guys can follow up The Matrix, but they need to be humble again like they were before The Matrix. Take a step back, guys. Think of an idea. Let that idea grow. And figure out how you can turn that idea into a worthy follow-up to one of the most innovative ideas for a film in the past quarter-century.
The Critique: Hi. My name is Eddie Redmayne. I am whispering into your ear. Sounds good, right? Well....WHAT HAPPENS IF I YELL INTO IT? ISN'T THAT A DICK MOVE? Well, that's basically what the Wachowskis have created here. See that? I brought my Eddie Redmayne joke full circle. Ten points to Gryffindor.
The Recommendation: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE. Ah. The world can run so much smoother now that I've gotten to use that line again.
Rewatchability: Uh-huh. Nope.
The Verdict: 2/10 Total garbage. And it's a 2 simply for Eddie Redmayne and some nice sets. That's it. Back to the drawing board, Wachowskis.
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