G.I. Joe 2 (2013): Explosions! Mindless, pointless action! Hot girls for eye candy! What, were you expecting me to describe the plot here? Wait, PLOT? Hahaha! That's a funny word to associate with this train wreck.
That just about describes how I felt about this movie. You know what's sad? I have seen both of these movies. Not that part this next part: G.I. Joe 2 made more money than its predecessor. I know it's a summer blockbuster and is going to make money but STILL! That is sad. I was really hoping for a dud here because this means I'm going to have to complete the trilogy when the third one gets released in a few years. Who finds this movie enjoyable? Seriously? It is terrible in virtually every sense of the word. The action set-pieces here are dated. Already. The best thing about the original, the super suits leading to that whole chase sequence in Paris, is totally gone here. Not even mentioned. And that's not all. Only three members of the original cast are back: Jonathan Pryce, (the President) Byung-hun Lee, (Storm Shadow) and Arnold Vosloo. (Zartan) When Channing Tatum (the main character of the first one) is killed within the first 15 minutes of the movie in favor of Dwayne Johnson and Bruce Willis, you know you are in for a pretty terrible experience. And that you are. The acting is generic, the story is very forgettable, (I'm struggling to remember it now and I just saw it 24 hours ago from when I wrote this review) and the action pieces are dated. To me it seems as though nobody cared at all about this during filming. It was a cash-grab from the beginning, and grabbing cash it did. You know, this is the kind of movie that looks down on the audience watching it. Similar to that of Red 2 and Grown Ups 2. We should not stand for this kind of thing. I'm serious! I am insulted by the fact that this movie made $375 million at the box office. This movie barely even stays loyal to the toys that it's based on let alone create a worthwhile experience for anyone. This movie is just a generic "betrayed by the people they trust" story. And believe me, there are far better of those out there. Like The A-Team for example.
I'm not even gonna waste my time with this movie to actually analyze it. It's not worth my time. And I just reviewed Anchorman 2 and am about to watch The Conjuring so I don't feel like spending a lot of time on this. About the only redeeming thing this movie has is that it has a final act where the action scenes within are a little bit enjoyable, but we are talking about 20 minutes or so of the movie's 110 minute runtime. Oh ya! It's definitely too long. But when it's not fun that is typically what happens. Seriously though. This movie is right down there with Grown-Ups 2 and Gatsby and Red 2 for the worst movies of 2013. STAY AWAY. Damnit. Ok I should I mention that there is a scene where these ninjas (including Snake Eyes) fight on the side of a mountain. It doesn't compare to the scene in Paris from the original, but it was a pretty cool scene. But past that there's nothing here this movie has to offer. So watch that scene on YouTube and don't put yourself through the rest of the movie.
The Critique: totally mindless and totally pointless action. There is no reason this movie should even exist.
The Recommendation: AVOID LIKE THE PLAGUE
The Verdict: 2/10 Terrible
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