Movie Review: Fantastic Four

An unmitigated Disaster

Fantastic Four (2015): Fox realizes that their rights to Fantastic Four are about to run out and so they order another film be made. This monstrosity is the result.

F*****************ck. I had a sinking feeling that this film was gonna be bad, but nothing could prepare me for this. I mean holy crap. Fantastic Four.....is one of the worst films of 2015. Plain and simple. This film is corporate-directed filmmaking at its worst. There's no passion here. You can see it on screen. There is absolutely no passion that went into making this film. The actors are just going through the motions, with everyone short of Michael B. Jordan just phoning it in, and torpedoing their careers in the process. You know, that's the worst part about this: Miles Teller and Kate Mara's careers are over. The Internet does not forgive, nor does it forget. I mean can someone tell me what Andrew Garfield has done recently? Well, I sure hope all three of these guys got a massive paycheck, because otherwise a career at McDonald's is in their future. That.....that really makes me sad, because I looooove Kate Mara. I love Miles Teller. And I love Michael B. Jordan. Him I have at least a bit of hope for, because anyone who's actually seen the film will agree that he was easily the best thing about it as the Human Torch. But we'll see. Shame on all of them for being in this. And shame on Fox for allowing this film to exist at all.

I want to talk about where exactly this film goes horribly wrong. See, the first half of this film is actually mildly interesting. They set up some interesting dynamics between these characters, and in the first few moments after gaining their super powers, there was still hope that maybe there was some good left in this franchise. The way they actually get their powers (the interdimensional travel) was interesting. But the second half of this film is.....a complete mess. A steaming pile of sh*t, some might say. The whole part where they actually have their super powers....you know, the part of the film that should be the good part, is awful. Nothing makes sense. The film completely butchers Dr. Doom, one of my personal favorite super-villains, which I didn't even know was possible, but he's forced into the film and is given literally no backstory whatsoever. I mean, Dr. Doom from the first Fantastic Four is better than this, and we all know that Dr. Doom was very poorly written as well. HOW DID YOU EVEN MANAGE TO DO THIS, FOX? How could you make a superhero film this bad?????

You know who's going to escape the wraith of the Internet, though? Matthew Vaughn. Ya. The director of Kick-Ass, Kingsman, and X-Men: First Class, was one of the producers for this film. But he'll be sparred. If Teller, Mara, and Jordan are going down I think Vaughn should too, but I'm guessing that's a perk of not having to put your face on a film like they do. But seriously. Everyone involved in this film should be ashamed of themselves. There are corporate-directed films out there. Believe me. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1. The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1. That whole Hobbit thing Peter Jackson did. F*CK YOU PETER JACKSON. WHY YOU DO THAT TO LOTR????? Sorry. But Fantastic Four is corporate-directed filmmaking at its absolute worst. This film has certainly killed any hope for the franchise, even once it inevitably falls back into Marvel's hands, and it will take down the careers of its actors in the process. About the only thing interesting in this film for me was the fact that the theater I watched this film in was completely empty. I think a post about my experiences in a completely empty theater would be more interesting than this film. Maybe I should do that.....

The Critique: Fantastic Four is a total disaster. One of the worst films of 2015, Fantastic Four lacks the passion from its creators that any film deserves, and is an insult to cinema.

The Recommendation: AVOID LIKE THE FREAKING PLAGUE

Rewatchability: Laughably Low

The Verdict: 2/10 Garbage


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