God. Ok. This movie is easily the worst movie of the franchise. (Though I have yet to see the fourth one so you never know.) Why does it earn this exclusive title you might ask? Well, it took everything the first movie did wrong and magnified it a thousand fold. Movie's too long? Ok, let's make it longer! 150 minutes instead of 144 yah! Shaky cam super annoying? Ok let's do it even more than we did in the first one! Yah! Action sequences hard to follow? Well, adding more Autobots and Decepticons should solve that problem, right? Yah, definitely. Oh, we don't know how to deliver witty dialogue? Ok, let's just try throwing in witty dialogue with EVERY SINGLE LINE. That should work right? And who needs emotion? Nah! Let's just wing it. Bumblebee your favorite character? Ok we'll bait you in with him in the first act, then all but remove him in the second and third. Why? Because f*ck you. That's why. Seriously. I feel like Michael Bay looked at a checklist of what didn't work in the first movie, and instead of dumbing those things down, he magnified them. Here, Mr. Bay, let me tell you about the last time that idea worked...........................hang on still trying to think of it...........oh right. IT NEVER DOES. I don't even want to waste more time with this review, but I need to explain exactly why this movie finds its way into my worst movies of the 2000s.
Ok, so remember that one time you felt emotion while watching a Transformers movie? That moment where you actually cared about what was happening to the characters on the screen in front of you? No? Well that's because Transformers is completely void of any emotion at all. This is a huge strike against any action movie, and Transformers is no exception.. Now, before you go off and remind me of the existence of "popcorn flicks", let's take a moment to remember what that is. A "popcorn flick" is a big stupid action movie where you don't care about the characters on the screen in front of you but the action is so wildly enjoyable that it doesn't matter. The best example of 2013 is Pacific Rim. The (current) best example of 2014 is Godzilla. You don't care about any of the characters in Godzilla, (even though the movie put way too much emphasis on them) but man when Godzilla comes on screen and roars and fights you get goosebumps it's so much fun. This movie has about 20 seconds of enjoyment when Optimus Prime pulls out a second sword and takes on several Decepticons simultaneously. But then you immediately go back to the incredibly hard-to-follow action sequences when you are baffled by how Optimus manages to be completely isolated from all his Autobot companions after they were all just fighting alongside each other moments prior. All the Decepticons are taking on Optimus, but he's just all by himself. That's the kind of thing you ask yourself whenever any action sequence takes place in this movie. Which removes any chance of enjoyment during the explosions. That big fight sequence at the end in Iran or wherever they were is one of the worst action sequences I have ever seen. It made literally no sense, as seemingly hundreds of Decepticons randomly show up and take on all seven Autobots and a handful of marines and somehow don't kill them instantly. Or the fact that this Fallen individual who's the lead bad guy here doesn't show up until the very end of the battle after his one and only weakness is made available again. You may say that I'm getting too picky, but really! It's ridiculous! And that's on top of the shaky cam and not knowing where anyone or anything is. All of the sudden Megatron is right on top of Sam and then all the sudden he isn't! It's just.....stupid! And unenjoyable. And then there's the dialogue. Which is awful. Michael Bay doesn't know what the word humor means, so I think trying to make every line in the movie funny is not the best idea. But he did it anyway! Entire plot lines were stupid, like Ramon Rodriguez's character. Everything Sam's roommate did was stupid and unfunny. The defense secretary shutting down the task force and the Autobots made no sense either. Hey! A bunch of Decepticons just showed up! What are we going to do? Ask the Autobots to fight them? Nah! That would make sense! And the entire "I can't say 'I love you'" storyline was unbelievable and ridiculous. I feel like I'm saying those words a lot. But it's true! All these stupid and ridiculous things happen in this movie, which makes the movie......ready? Stupid and ridiculous.
There are exactly three reasons why this movie isn't a complete disaster. 1) The scene where Optimus Prime pulls out a second sword and takes on a bunch of Decepticons brought me about 20 seconds of enjoyment. 2) There is one scene that actually brings out some emotion. And it gets me every single time I watch this movie. Shia LeBouf's character's (Sam) dad is played by Kevin Dunn. Aka the one semi-talented actor in this whole godforsaken mess. He is given exactly 30 seconds to show off his acting chops as Sam tries to get his mom and dad to leave the big action sequence at the end of the movie and leave their son behind. Kevin Dunn nails this scene as a dad being forced to leave his son in a warzone. And it gets me every time. Even though this is immediately followed up by LeBouf telling Megan Fox to go with them and she's like, "Nah." And he's like, "Kay." And I'm like, "Seriously?" I don't know if that was grammatically correct, but DON'T YOU LECTURE ME ABOUT GRAMMAR. Oh ya and kudos to Shia LeBouf having way too much fun playing this character. He's not doing a good job of it but at least he's having fun, right? Anyway. 3) The score once again is great. Again it's just a constant rehash of the official Linkin Park song of the movie, this time called New Divide, but it still swells at the right times and everything. These three points bring this movie up to a stellar 1.5/10. Oh I just spoiled my verdict didn't I?
Ok so have I adequately explained why this movie is terrible? I sure hope so. If you think that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a good movie, let me introduce you to Pacific Rim. Or a James Bond movie. Or any other half-decent popcorn flick, for that matter. Then if you still think this is a good movie, well.....you might want to go see a doctor. I don't know what for, but you should probably go see one.
The Critique: Michael Bay basically just threw the entire world of Transformers at a brick wall to see if anything would stick. Unfortunately, nothing did, leading to one of the worst movies of the 2000s.
The Recommendation: get a bunch of friends over, (maybe) get rather intoxicated, and then laugh at the movie. Cause you sure as hell aren't going to be laughing with it.
Rewatchability: Oh my God low
The Verdict: 1.5/10 Almost Unwatchable